Tidal Wave
copyright@2005
a/n: BSG ficathon where the request was interaction between Lee and his father, Kara and Lee teasing each other, and angst
**
Tragedy had a way of finding Lee Adama. At least that was what he had decided one of his restless nights in the brig. Maybe he was cursed or maybe, more likely, he was caught up in circumstances out of his control. It sounded like a strange way to think of the possible annihilation of the human race, but he wasn’t prone to theatrics, leaving that to the others in his life.
However, on that night, as he wrapped a blanket around him trying unsuccessfully to get warm, Lee couldn’t stop his mind from wandering. A mix of emotions rushed to the surface – relief that his father was going to be okay, worry over where the hell Kara was and if she was still alive, and fear of the realization that he was pretty much on his own on a ship where he didn’t belong with people that probably tolerated him for no other reason than being the Commander’s son. It was a tidal wave of things better left repressed and he wondered if this was what going mad felt like.
Something happened and his mind cracked. He had lived, until that moment, even after the Cylons first attacked, focused on the future, in a state of perpetual expectation, but the process had suddenly come to a stop when Boomer fired two shots into his father’s chest before his eyes. Lee was no longer able to avoid the present, to keep his head set on what would be if they simply got through the next couple of months, and he wondered, temporarily, if he would be able to get it together by the time morning came.
No one needed a version of Captain Apollo that couldn’t hold it together. His father had raised him better than that – duty comes first, son – and people’s lives depended on the decisions he made. He didn’t want more death on his hands, but it was circling around him in the air, an energy of its own.
After all, wasn’t that how things went during a war?
Except for Lee, it was becoming harder and harder to reconcile the not-so-easy decisions and feelings. He found himself dissecting and overthinking (something Kara loved to needle him about) what he was fighting for. Natural instinct to continuing existing was part of it, but beyond that...there had to be some reason for all of this, something good that would come about if he had faith in the law and kept fighting.
Lee didn’t have an answer and finally managed to shut the voices off in his head long enough to get a few hours sleep.
***
Lee Adama made his way to his father’s quarters and tried to clear his mind of all the chaos that had occurred over the last few weeks. Things were taking more of a toll on Lee than he had expected and for maybe the thousandth time since he ended up living on Galatica, he found himself wishing he had been with his crewmates when things went bad. It wasn’t that he wished he was dead or had any misguided thoughts that he could’ve saved the day…but sometimes he thought it would be simpler for everyone involved, especially himself.
This was not the best mentality to have, one that he would frown upon in others in his position, and Lee didn’t want to disappoint his father yet again.
Lee ordered himself to get it together, to act like the officer in the fleet that he was. He and his father didn’t have the closest relationship, but Lee knew that if he was having trouble convincing random officers he was okay, his father wasn’t going to buy it. It was one of those strange familial things between them – that his father seemed able to understand him at the strangest times, never when Lee would’ve appreciated it.
Between his father’s near-death experience, his issues with Kara and her sudden disappearance, and spending most of his time locked up in the brig when he wasn’t doing his duties as CAG…he was mentally exhausted. It was something he had wanted to avoid, knowing it was best to keep his emotions in check, especially when others’ lives depended on it. But sometimes it was enough to make him stop and take pause to what was going on around him – surely it couldn’t be real, surely this was another of the nightmares he used to have when he was a kid.
Lee adjusted his uniform before knocking on his father’s door. He heard his father mumble permission to enter and he opened the door. “Commander, you wanted to see me.”
Lee still wasn’t used to seeing his father out of uniform on the ship, but due to doctor’s orders he was on bed rest for the time being. Lee could tell that it was bothering his father, not being able to head things up the way he was used to, but Lee knew better than to mention anything.
“It was personal, Lee.”
“You stopped them from sending me back to the brig to have a heart-to-heart?” Lee paused and studied his father for a minute before adding, “Who are you and what have you done with the real Commander Adama?”
His father smiled weakly for a moment and then responded, “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Lee stood there. Over the past few months, since the Cylons first attacked, his father had been trying to reach out to him whenever possible, and they had made some strides in their relationship. But his father putting aside his own feelings about Lee’s behavior on Colonial One to find out how his son was doing was a little bizarre.
His father motioned to the seat across from him and Lee obeyed. He sat down and stared at his father. He said, “I’m fine, sir.”
“Lee…”
Lee cleared his throat and said, “I’m still capable of doing my job, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
His father shook his head and responded, “I don’t remember much after I was shot, but—“
Lee cut his father off, “It’s probably best not to think about that.”
His father stared at him and, after a few seconds, nodded in agreement. He said, “Any word on Starbuck yet?”
Lee was grateful for the change of subject. Reliving the moments after his father was shot was something Lee didn’t want to do. It was a slippery slope from that moment to all those before where he had witnessed or been surrounded with death and loss. He couldn’t talk about it because he was sure he would lose whatever it was that had kept him going for so long.
Lee sighed and said, “No word.”
“The President should never...” his father’s words trailed off and he asked, “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“Me? I’m a stubborn old man. I’ll be fine. It’s you that I’m concerned about.”
“I can do my job.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, Lee, and you know it,” he replied. He leaned back in his chair and said, “I remember when you were about eight years old. You fell out of a tree and broke your leg…”
“Is nostalgia a weird side effect to your meds?”
“My point was that even when you were a kid, you felt like you had to shield everyone from your pain. That day on the way to the hospital, it was obvious that you were hurt, but you never uttered a word. Not to your mother or me.”
Lee stared at him before looking down at his hands as he gripped them tightly into fists, and said, “I’m fine.”
“Being stuck in here has left me with a lot of time to think. I know I’ve always been tough on you, but—“
“Dad, we don’t need to rehash our history. It’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. Okay?”
Lee felt his father’s eyes bore into him and he nodded. He said, “Sometimes I don’t understand you, and god knows you make choices that infuriate me, but I hope you know that I’m always here for you.”
Lee looked away and said, “Thank you.” He stood up and said, “I think you should get some rest.”
“That’s all I’ve been doing for the past week.”
Lee smiled at the pitiful expression on his father’s face and said, “It’s killing you, isn’t it?”
“You’re dismissed, Captain,” his father responded.
Lee shook his head and exited his father’s quarters. He chided himself for being so closed off with his father. When his father was in surgery and they weren’t sure if he would pull through, Lee had made promises and prayers to whoever might be listening. He swore to be a better son and a better soldier for his father.
It hadn’t felt right to unburden himself on his father. Not because his father couldn’t handle it, but because Lee wasn’t sure that he could. If he fully allowed himself to think about the past few months, he might’ve ended up in a vegetative state and that wasn’t something that would’ve benefited anyone. No, it was best to stick with his routine and to concentrate on the job at hand.
***
Lee thought he did a rather good job of convincing everyone he was fine over the next few weeks. He did his work, interacted with the other pilots, and even humored his father in a weekly chess match (always ending with his father smirking and saying, “Checkmate.”) and everyone ignored the emotional tug-of-war reeking havoc inside his head. No one probably expected it. He was an Adama after all and they weren’t likely to have nervous breakdowns, especially not in desperate times.
Lee even managed to convince himself that everything was okay for a while. It wasn’t until Kara’s return that it all resurfaced once again. Another memory best left unvisited, another person on his list that he wasn’t ready to lose.
Lee had just returned from a mission when he found out that Kara was back. Colonel Tigh had pulled him aside to let him know and told him that she was in sick bay. Lee had nodded, but went back to his own quarters instead.
He wasn’t sure that she would want to see him after the last time they had spoken and he wasn’t sure that he could forgive her for taking off like that. He understood that she was doing what the President had asked, but it was the way she went about it that aggravated him. Same ‘ole Kara, never worrying about who gets hurt in the process. He hated himself for being so angry about something so stupid. With everything going on around them, he was caught up in the fact that his friend wasn’t there when he needed her. It was pathetic and juvenile. Most of all, he was scared that she would take one look at him and know. She would try to cover it up with insults and the like, but she would see through his calm demeanor and observe the chaos going on beneath the surface.
It took him a few hours to make his way to the sick bay. He cleared his throat as he walked toward her bed and she opened her eyes and smiled at him. He didn’t say anything at first. It was as though he had suddenly forgotten how to speak as the relief of seeing her hit him.
Kara said, “Hey stranger. I’d love to know why I’ve been in here for hours and you’re only just now gracing me with your presence.”
Lee smiled. He stepped closer to her bed and asked, “Does the truck that flattened you look worse for the wear?”
“You know me, if I’m going down, I’m taking a whole load of those frakkers with me,” Kara replied. She sat up in her bed and motioned around the place, “This is becoming a new hangout for us, isn’t it?”
“I was going to mention that to you. I’m beginning to think you have a crush on the doctor.”
Kara rolled her eyes and said, “I heard about your father.”
Lee gulped down the words that wanted to come out and said, “He’s doing fine now.”
Kara nodded and said, “He’s not going anywhere for a very long time.”
Lee smiled, “Right.”
“But I’m sorry, Lee.”
“It’s fine,” he replied. It was his new catch-phrase. Every conversation included it at some point or another. He couldn’t figure out when people had become so concerned with his well-being, but it was bordering on annoying.
“Liar.”
“Excuse me?”
“Mr. Always in Control. God forbid an emotion show.”
“Well, I figure you’re emotional enough for the both of us,” Lee countered.
“You nearly lost your father, Lee. He’s the last of your family…and you’re going to stand there with that stoic gaze and tell me everything’s okay? I’m calling your bluff, pal.”
“I just came to check on you and make sure you were okay. Get some rest,” Lee said.
He turned to walk off, but Kara wrapped her hand around his. She stared at him and said, “I’m sorry about how I left things between us. I didn’t mean for you to get dragged into things with me and…I’m sorry, Lee.”
Lee squeezed her hand and said, “It’s okay. I was out of line and I don’t even remember what I was so angry about.”
Kara laughed and said, “I could give you a play-by-play if you want.”
“No thanks.”
“You look like hell,” Kara said.
“So do you.”
“Yeah, well, I had a run-in with a Cylon. What’s your excuse?”
“You of all people should know that the brig is not conducive to a good night’s rest.”
“You? Mr. Perfect Officer was in the brig?”
“Long story.”
Kara patted at a spot on her bed and said, “I’ve got the time.”
“I don’t,” he lied. He let go of his grip on her hand, kissed her forehead, and said, “I’ll check back in on you later. Get some rest.”
Kara nodded. He could tell that she wanted to push him for answers, but she didn’t press him. Instead she offered, “You do the same. And I get it, Lee. I know all about trying to ignore the bad stuff, but the thing is, it’s gonna end up biting you in the ass.”
“We do what we have to do to survive,” he said. She smiled at him and shut her eyes. Lee took that as his sign to exit. He walked to the entrance, stopping when he was compelled to look back at her again, and watched her resting. He smiled at the image, trying to envision a world with a calm Kara Thrace and chuckled as he walked down the hall.
It was then that he realized that it was those moments that he was fighting for. Those shared smiles and inane fights and constant battling to better understand one another...those were the things that kept him going. Knowing that part of being a rational human being was experiencing loss, but dealing with it, and overcoming adversity. That was what would separate them from the Cylons in the end and make everything worth it.
It wasn't going to disappear overnight. He had a feeling that those emotions would always be beneath his cool exterior, awaiting the chance to resurface. But he was going to learn to deal with them in a better way, use them for what they were - small reminders. Lee knew that he would do whatever he had to do to ensure that his side won...and maybe then he would get a chance to properly deal with all those ghosts haunting his sleep. But for now, he would fight.
{fin}