The Epilogue
Laney Jane can't end it there. That stinks. It's like the end of American Psycho. There's great build-up and plot development, only to leave the audience baffled by the lack of a concrete ending and strange metaphor about life (It shouldn't surprise any of you that Laney Jane loved the fucking movie). People have questions-did everything work out? Were Spencer and I able to get along? Did Britney and I maintain our friendship? Did the people make Laney's life impossible when I announced she was my girlfriend? And, the big question, did Laney injure any of my pushy fans?
"Laney Jane, what the hell is taking you so long?" I complained as I stared up at my bedroom ceiling, humming "Sleigh Ride" under my breath. I glanced at my watch and said, "We're supposed to be at the restaurant for Johnny's stupid Christmas party by now."
"If someone hadn't taken THREE hours in the bathroom, I'd be done by now," she called out.
"I didn't take three hours. More like two and a half hours…you would think with the short hair, it'd be easier to get ready, but it's not," I said running my hand over my head for effect.
Laney stepped out of the bathroom in a simple black velvet dress. Most of her hair was off her face except for a few pieces that angled her face perfectly. She smiled and asked, "So how do I look? Is this suitable attire for one of these things? I had no idea what to wear."
"You really do clean up nice, Laney Jane," I answered, hopping off the bed and flattening out my dress pants. I played with a long lock of her hair, twirling it around my index finger.
Little frown lines formed between her eyebrows and she smacked my hand away, "Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Justin, I swear-"
I kissed her-still my favorite way to end possible arguments--and said, "We have to go. The other guys have probably been there for about an hour."
"Like I said before…not my fault," she replied. She picked up my wrist and checked my watch herself and said, "We're not too late. You can still get away with fashionably late."
I picked up my wallet off the bureau and placed it in my back pocket. I grabbed the keys and flicked the light off. I glanced back at Laney who was chewing on her bottom lip. I flicked her cheek lightly and said, "You're going to end up with lipstick on your teeth."
"You sound like my mother," Laney replied. She pointed her finger and mimicked her mother's voice, "Melanie Jane, one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. It's so unlady-like."
"I was trying to be helpful," I replied walking down the stairs ahead of her.
Laney stopped on one of the bottom steps, put her hands on her hips, and said, "I know. And it's not really you, it's this whole dressy/girly thing."
"God forbid people confuse you for a girl."
"Shut up."
"I mean I know I don't want people thinking I date a beautiful girl. That could ruin my reputation."
Laney Jane rolled her eyes and hopped down the last step. She fell out of her shoe and knocked us both to the ground. I groaned and said, "From now on you walk down the stairs before me."
"You've said that before," she said. She muttered something about her shoes before starting to stand herself up.
I caught her hand and pulled her back down until her forehead was resting against mine. I smiled tenderly and pushed her loose wisps of hair behind her ears. I kissed her and said, "After this is over, I think you and I should watch Monster Squad and chill out with junk food."
"Oooh…that is quite an alluring proposition-"
"Like me?"
"Oh yes. You're dreamy, Justin," Laney replied and began to bat her eyelashes excessively.
"What do I see in you again?"
"I'm a balm for the ego? Every guy needs one," she said. She kissed me quickly on the lips. I knew that if God forbid my mother stopped by and found me on the floor with Laney Jane, I would have to listen to the "promise me you're using protection" lecture once again and I'd rather avoid it. Of course, easier said than done when Laney was looking beautiful, smelled great, and was kissing me.
Laney must have read my mind. She pushed herself off of me and stood up before extending a hand to help me. I hopped up, observing her gracefully slip back into her shoe, and said, "You really don't have to fall on me to get close, Laney. I'll let you grope me for free."
"I'm so lucky."
"Yes, a lot of girls think so."
"I thought I told you to stop going to your fan sites, Justin."
"Don't be jealous. I love you more."
"You better…after making me sit through Charlie's Angels THREE times. I think that makes me a saint."
"What was there not to like? I would think you, Ms. Kick-butt-and-take-no- prisoners, would enjoy a movie about girl power," I said as I held the front door open for her. We walked around to my car and hopped in.
Laney buckled her seat belt and said, "No, stupid, I'm not a fan of girl power."
"Since when?"
"Since the Spice Girls went around in hot pants and platform sneakers shouting the words from the rooftops. If that's what girl power entails, I'd rather avoid it."
"So because of the Spice Girls you didn't like the movie? Are you insane? You liked that Crouching Stupid, Hidden Boring movie."
"Because that actually had a plot and a storyline," Laney countered in exasperation. She shook her head and shot me the sometimes-I-wonder-why-I'm-dating-a-cultural-retard stare she had perfected since last May.
She went to turn on the radio and I slapped her hand. I said, "I want to hear how that movie had a better storyline than Charlie's Angels."
"Are you serious? Justin, Charlie's Angels didn't HAVE a plot. It was about pretty girls kicking ass. Girls like it because it's girls as the heroes and guys like it because they all secretly dream of having their asses kicked by beautiful girls and then hooking up with them."
"Well, I know it happens to me a lot," I muttered. Laney reached towards me and I pointed out, "If you hurt me now, I could drive us into another car."
Laney turned on the radio and commented sweetly, "Someone's paranoid."
I decided it was best to drop the subject. I mentally went through my own checklist for the evening with co-workers and businessmen. I caught Laney tapping her hand on the dashboard in rhythm with the music. She looked so calm and sweet at the moment. Too bad I knew it wouldn't last. I cleared my throat and said, "Hey smartass?"
"Yes, stupid?"
I shot her a pleading look as I turned on to the road we needed and said, "If you avoid calling Jive's President a communist tonight, I will-"
"But he is. All the same sound. You all have the same exact sound. If that doesn't scream 'Stalin" then I don't know what does…"
"Well, could you avoid telling him that? I'll be your best friend."
"Already are."
"Well, I'll be the perfect boyfriend."
Laney laughed and when she saw that I was attempting serious she replied, "Eh. Try again."
"I'll go to the stupid chick rock festival thing that you wanted to go to?"
"Deal."
"I swear I always lose out in this relationship."
"Oh, your life is so hard."
I pulled the car into the long driveway of the restaurant where the party was being held. I put the car in park, leaned across the console and into Laney's personal space, and kissed her. I started at her lips, moved along her cheek, to the side of her neck, down her throat…
And someone fucking knocked on the window.
I turned to see Chris standing there. He waved and Laney Jane returned the favor. So much for my early Christmas fun before talking with highly boring people about crap I gave two shits about. I opened my car door, hoping Chris wouldn't have time to react and fall to the ground in pain, but he stepped aside.
He muttered, "Someone looks happy to be here."
"Well, I was having a good time until someone interrupted."
"You were starting to steam up the windows, J. Not very professional," Chris said with a mock firmness.
I pushed him out of my way and reached out for Laney's hand, "See ya later, Chris."
Chris ran up to us and he looked at Laney. He asked, "Do I still get the first three dances?"
Laney nodded, "Definitely."
I let go of her hand and stared at my two ex-best friends; ex being the key word. I folded my arms and said, "What?
"Chris asked for the first three dances."
"And you couldn't say no?"
"Well, I could, but Chris was the one who kept me company in Las Vegas when a certain boyfriend went off with JC to gamble at the Stardust...then stayed out until four am at the karaoke bar that all the Vegas locals patronize singing 'Let's Get Physical' by Olivia Newton John."
"You said you didn't want to come."
"I didn't. So I hung out with Chris and his gaggle of girls that followed the stud around the MGM. He bought me a ten-dollar mudslide," Laney replied. She nudged Chris in the side and said, as if I wasn't there, "He doesn't seem to happy about this."
"It's probably the alcohol thing. You know he hates it when someone compromises your morals, LJ."
"LJ? Who the hell calls you, LJ?" I glared at the two of them. I knew they were purposely trying to torture me and deflate my ego…it was working. I narrowed my gaze on Chris and added sharply, "And you better not be compromising anything with my girlfriend, Chris. You got it?"
"Yes, Crankypants. It's too bad I already called the first three dances."
"I should kick your ass, Chris."
"Who's kicking whose ass?" Lance said, coming up behind us. Here I was worried about being late and it looked like Laney and I were the first to arrive.
I did a double take when I saw the girl on her arm. She looked completely different. Her hair was in tight curls and her makeup was flawless. She was also entirely too quiet. Maybe she had an identical cousin. I shot a look at Laney, who seemed equally stunned, and asked, "Steph?"
"Don't say a word, Timberlake, or I'll kick your ass. I don't care if you date my best friend," she replied with a scowl. It was definitely Steph. She clutched Lance's arm tightly, prompting Laney and I to exchange amused glances.
"Um…Lance, care to explain?" I said, deciding to focus on someone who wouldn't break my nose.
Lance shook his head. He pulled Steph through the doors and called out, "I'd rather not actually."
I grinned and said, "The sly dog."
"Is Steph dating my high school crush?" Laney replied. She glanced at me and said, "How come I get you and she gets my high school crush?"
"Gee, Laney, when you put it that way…"
Chris spoke over us, "You two need to get a room. It's like you never stop. Even when you're not together, all I hear on the bus is 'Laney says my hair is too big' or 'Laney didn't like Love and Basketball even though it's a lot like our relationship'. It gets old really quick." Chris threw his hands up in the air when we stared at him like he wasn't so normal. He motioned to the door and said, "I'm heading in. I'll see you inside." He placed his hand on Laney's back and whispered, "And I'll see you on the dance floor."
I scowled and shoved my hands into my pocket. Laney patted my cheek and said, "I'm sure you'll find some girl to dance with."
"I wanted to dance with you."
"Didn't you have to entertain one of the Vice President's daughter, Pammie, last year?"
"Don't remind me."
"What if she's here tonight to rekindle her one night of romantic bliss with you?"
She wasn't going to make me laugh, or frighten me with potential dates with record execs relatives. I wasn't going to forget that she was planning to spend most of her time with Chris. Laney kissed my cheek-I hated when she did that when I was mad-and said, "I was thinking of you. As Chris likes to point out, no daughters or cousins ever want to dance with him…so he'll keep me company."
"But if you dance with me this wouldn't be a problem. I'd have an excuse not to have my neck licked."
"She licked your neck?" Laney repeated as her face scrunched with disgust.
"What's that supposed to mean? I've got a nice neck."
"I guess."
"You don't seem-"
"Don't even announce our personal business outside a crowded restaurant, Justin, or I will kill you with my shoe. It's a heel. Think Single White Female."
"Fine. Be that way. No Monster Squad for you tonight," I said. I opened the door as she glided in and added, "I think we should watch Pretty Woman."
"Like that will happen."
We took our seats at one of the tables, oblivious to everyone else, and I picked up her salad fork and spun it on the table. Laney put her hand on top of mine and I brooded, "You're mean."
"Yes, I am," Laney replied. She nodded towards another door and waved as Spencer walked in with Britney.
"What's he doing here?"
"Britney's boyfriend asked him to fill in as her date from what I gathered."
"Cool," I answered shortly.
"Next time with more feeling."
"I bet he'll be happy to know you're wearing your locket," I said trying to maintain a joking tone to my voice. The truth was I hated that she still wore the damn thing. Every time I asked her about it, she would mutter some unintelligible answer and change the subject.
"Get over it."
"I'm just saying…how would you like it if I wore a necklace that an ex-girlfriend gave me-"
"Every girl knows better than to buy you jewelry. You buy yourself enough, Mr. T."
"But-"
"Let it go, Justin. Jealousy isn't flattering. It's stupid…especially with Spencer."
"I don't think it's stupid to be jealous of an ex-boyfriend that practically stole you from me…hypothetically speaking…'cause I'm not jealous."
"Good."
"Good," I repeated mockingly.
"Especially since I told you three times that my sister and her boyfriend took him under their couple wing and found him the perfect girl."
"Like I listen when you go on about Spencer…" I inched my chair closer to hers and whispered, "He's got a girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"Not that I was jealous."
"Not you. You're not the covetous type."
"Especially when I got the girl," I said. I stared at her for a minute and she turned to meet my gaze.
She played with her hair and said, "What?"
"Why aren't you jealous of my friendship with Britney?"
"Because she dumped your ass."
I shook my head, "There was no…that's it. I'm mad at you."
"Okay."
"Okay? Aren't you upset that I'm mad at you?"
"Not really."
"And why not?"
"Because you're not really mad at me. You're being a baby."
I laid my head down on the table. I hated when she was right and I despised feeling insecure about the two of us. I knew that I had nothing to worry about and that Laney was all mine forever and ever…and I normally got along well enough with Spencer considering we've both kissed the same girl...although he better know better than to ever try to kiss her again.
Laney Jane's hand went on my back, pulling me from my I'm-going-to-be-mad-at-Laney mantra, and I turned to face her. I made my face as pathetic as I could muster--having taken lessons from my little brothers who could get virtually anything they wanted out of anyone, including Laney Jane--and said dejectedly, "But I love you, smartass."
That was a tearjerking, Hallmark moment…and she started to laugh. This weird little giggle before she ran her hand through my hair and patted my back. She said, "Love you too, stupid. I'm still not taking off the necklace."
"And you're still going to dance with Chris, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"And I'll have to dance with Pammie, the licker."
"Well, tell her that your girlfriend's violent so she can't lick you. I'll try to act really crazy when she looks my way."
I smiled weakly and commented, "Yeah, act…right, sure." She smacked me on the back of the head, "Oww."
"Now she's sure to believe I'm violent."
I rubbed my head and said, "You're lucky I love you."
"I know."
I grinned. That was as close to a compliment with Laney Jane as I got most of the time. I kissed her nose and then her lips, "I'm pretty lucky too."
"Duh," Laney replied. Her head swiveled around to the dance floor and she turned my head to see. She whispered, "She's practically groping my high school crush."
"Since when does Steph know the forbidden dance?"
"More appropriate question: since when do you do the forbidden dance to 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas'?"
"And people tell us we should get a room," I commented.
"I know."
I stood up and extended my hand, "Wanna show 'em up?"
Laney Jane smiled and took my hand. She stood up, pressing into my chest, and said, "Damn right I do. No friend of mine steals my high school-"
I kissed her and said, "Laney, it's time to get over it."
"Already am, Justin. I already am," she replied, returning my kiss before I led her to where Steph and Lance were hogging the dance floor.
***The End***