Chapter Three
I walked on eggshells with Laney for two weeks after our return from Washington DC. I mean we talked. We talked every day, but there was distance again. I hated that distance. I hated feeling cut-off from one of my few normal pastimes. And I really hated the stupid hiss in her voice when she was in her "things change, Justin" mood.
I know I wasn't helping the situation. I couldn't seem to make her understand that everyone's opinions about her didn't matter to me. I didn't care that people thought she was too homely. What the hell was homely anyway? And why did Laney Jane care so much?
Stupid women. I was never going to understand them.
We were getting ready to leave for Hawaii and I still didn't have a definite yes or no out of the girl. It was like pulling teeth.
"Laney, are you coming with us or not?" I said, making my voice as sharp as a knife...or at least an envelope opener.
She didn't respond right away and I heard her humming along to one of her chick rock albums. "I don't know. I'm getting it from both ends here. Meredith is trying to get me to convince you that I need to bond with my oldest sister and that I should go and bring her along--"
"She can come, if she doesn't mind sleeping on the floor. You're already shacking up with Britney."
"Could you not use the term 'shacking up'? It makes it sound..."
I had to have heard her wrong. An image popped into my head and I spit up my drink all over my shirt. I scolded, "You have a very dirty mind, Laney."
"Do you really want to go there, Justin? I don't think you do."
I crossed my arms defiantly. When I remembered she couldn't see me through the phone, I replied, "Shut up. Does this mean you're coming?"
"I don't know. If you had let me finish, you'd know that Dana, the sister I have much more in common with and who doesn't obtain most of her wardrobe from dating rich men, was completely against it. She thinks I'll be miserable."
I laid down on my sofa, flipping through the channels, and stated, "Dana is stupid."
"Ha. I dare you to tell her that."
"No way! She'd kill me," I responded. I stopped hitting the channel button on the remote and kept the television on the Home Shopping Network for a minute. I said, "Laney, are you by your television? They're doing the treasures of the ocean special again. This guy cracks me up. Do you remember the time he came out in the scuba outfit to discuss the ultimate waterproof watch with the fishy band? I still say I should have bought that watch. It would've been dope."
"You have a weird obsession with the Home Shopping Network, Justin."
"So you're coming. That's great. We leave early Wednesday morning...and try to pack somewhat light." I tried to hang up the phone before she could say no. The trick of getting what you want out of Laney was to leave it lingering. If you manage to get the last word in (which is a miracle in itself), a person pretty much has their way with Laney Jane.
I was almost home free, "Not so fast, Justin!"
Dammit.
"What?" I replied, trying to inject as much innocence and confusion into my voice as I could muster. I knew it probably wouldn't work. I didn't have too many secrets from Laney and, at times like this, it was a real pain in my ass.
"I didn't say I was going."
"You didn't say you weren't going either. I just assumed--"
"You know what happens when you assume something..."
I joined her as she made her favorite little remark, "You make an ass out of you and me."
"Why is this so important to you?"
I moved the phone away from my ear for a minute and stared at it in disbelief. I tried to get my thoughts in order. I knew this was a job for Justin Timberlake, People's Hottest Teen and the man with a gift for charm, rather than Justin, Laney's buddy. I wasn't exactly sure of what I was supposed to say, but it was going to have to be something good. It was going to have to be something persuasive. Ever see the movie Scent of A Woman? Well, that was what I needed at the moment. I needed Al Pacino to stand up and explain to Laney that she had to come to Hawaii because, for some reason, I thought our friendship depended on it. I made my voice softer, calling to Laney's feminine side (I'm pretty sure she had one. I once caught her reading a copy of Cosmo.), "Laney Jane, you know why this is important to me."
"Okay, who the hell has let you near the Lifetime Network again? Justin, I told you. Real men don't watch Danielle Steele movies."
Needless to say the soft voice was not working with Laney Jane. I snapped, "I don't watch Danielle Steele movies. As I recall it, you're the one who watched the movie Daddy because Ben Affleck is a babe."
"You can't prove that! I'll deny it 'til my dying day."
I couldn't help but smile at the image of Laney Jane trying to act offended, "Come on, you know you want to come. We'll have fun...and I want to be with me because I miss spending time with you."
"But Britney will be there."
"And you know she loves to spend hours tanning and reading her Harlequins. While she's doing that, you and I can discover unknown territory," I turned the television off when Marie Osmond's face flickered on the screen with dolls. I looked out the window and asked, "Why don't you want to come, really?"
Laney didn't say anything at first. We never used to have any moments of silence between us. We're two people who like to talk. Lately, all we were doing was trying to fill gaping holes of weird quiet time. She questioned, "Did you know that Matt Damon was almost on the Mickey Mouse Club? His agent said that they wanted him for the show, even though he was already in college."
"I hate when you do this," I complained.
Laney ignored me and continued with her random information, "I was reading an article on him. It's interesting. I could have met Matt Damon if he had worked with you."
"Have I mentioned that I hate when you do this? I really, really hate it!" I whined.
"I was thinking that I could have met Matt Damon."
"You were avoiding the topic at hand, Laney Jane. Besides, Matt Damon could have ended up with my slot on the show. Things happen for a reason."
"Things happen for a reason? Justin, that sentimental side of yours is going to be your downfall one day."
I pouted, "It has worked fine so far. Now back to the question at hand. Why don't you want to come?"
"It's not my thing."
"Exactly what part isn't your thing? Is it the fun? A free trip to a beautiful island? Me?"
"Justin, there are going to be fans everywhere, and I'd prefer not to be--"
"Laney Jane, people won't even notice you're there. Ten to one everyone will be so fixated on the fact that Britney is there that you'll be overlooked," I replied, trying to reassure her. It wasn't a complete lie. Most of the attention would be on the fact that Britney was there.
"I own one bathing suit and I'd rather eat glass than look at myself in it."
"So wear track pants and a tee-shirt for all I care," I answered back quickly. I had to make sure I had a solution for every possible calamity that Laney's head could think of. It was the only way to guarantee she'd come.
"Why is this so important to you?"
"I already told you why."
She laughed, "No. You got all melodramatic. Wait...you don't have some deadly disease that involves me locating a monkey and creating a vaccine, do you?"
I shook my head and groaned in frustration, "Why do I have to have a reason for wanting my good friends with me to ring in the New Year? Why do you always have to look into everything so deeply?"
"I'm a woman. That's what we do."
"Well, I'm a man and we order women around. So you're coming dammit," I countered. I immediately regretted my statement when I heard the familiar, Justin-needs-a-lecture-on-the-women's-movement tone to Laney's voice.
"I'm going to ignore that comment because I know that you don't actually believe that...breathe Laney. Remind yourself that Justin often speaks without thinking."
"Hey, I do not," I whined. I looked around my living room for something to fiddle with while I talked to Laney on the phone. I have this weird need to be doing something at all moments of the day. I need to have some sort of motion going on. I picked up a basketball and spun it on my fingertips.
Laney must have heard me fumbling around. She asked, "Having trouble sitting still?"
"I'm bored. Johnny made us promise to keep a low profile until we left for Hawaii. Small price to pay for a beautiful island, don't ya think?"
"I guess."
I smiled, "And a few idiotic fans are a really stupid reason not to spend some time with your friend before you go back to school."
"You can't let anything go."
"No. You know I can't."
I could practically hear her rolling her eyes, "I'll come."
"You will?" I asked. The girl really was an enigma, although I still preferred my word--pain in the ass. One minute I was practically begging her, ready to give life and limb, and the next minute the answer was offered so easily that I was left stunned and somewhat skeptical.
Crazy, crazy girl.
"Yes. I'll come."
I jumped up and down. "This will be good, Laney. I'll have my three favorite girls on the planet with me on New Years."
"Awww. Justin, that's so sweet. I might get a cavity."
I ignored her. It was best to ignore Laney at times. The girl loved a compliment, but she felt the need to act like she didn't. It's that reverse psychology stuff, I think. "Alright. I'm going to call Britney and let her know that she has a roommate now. We're going to party like it's..."
"Don't," Laney warned.
I couldn't resist, "Like it's 1999."
"Stupid," she muttered under her breath as she hung up the phone.
My eyes fell on a picture of us from Laney's thirteenth birthday party. I shook my head, "We'll see who's stupid, won't we, Laney?"
I figured everything was heading back towards normal. She was arguing with me like always and had agreed to come to Hawaii. Well, it was a good start at least.
Good start...that's one way to put it. For someone in a very jaded business, Justin maintains this blinded optimism. Everything is always "It'll get better" or "It's a good place to start." I'm a firm believer that a little cynicism never hurt anybody.
To this day I'm still not sure how I got talked into Hawaii. I think I just wanted him to shut up and I crumbled like a cookie. Don't think I'm not on to that little trick, Justin Timberlake, and after that trip, I won't fall for that type of manipulation ever again.
I realize I come across as highly ungrateful, or that I take my friendship with Justin for granted. I'm not and I don't. It's not that I didn't appreciate the offer he made me, but Hawaii doesn't exactly scream "Melanie Jane." I have a certain way of doing things, of living my life, and Justin can't get that through his thick skull sometimes.
But Hawaii...it is beautiful. Justin claims the setting brought out my sentimental side. I'm pleading the fifth on that one. I have a reputation to protect.
"We're here. We're here. We're finally here," Justin dropped the bags and started doing the running man.
I lifted my sunglasses and stared at him. Britney giggled and asked, "Why do I date him?"
"I was about to ask you that question myself," I muttered.
Justin pointed at the two of us and whined, "Oh no. This will NOT work. You two aren't allowed to gang up on the Justin."
"The Justin?" she and I replied in unison.
Justin moved closer. He kissed Britney quickly and turned to me. He smiled, "Laney, you don't want to be on my bad side."
"Oh, is the Justin threatening me?" I said, raising my hand to my mouth in mock-horror.
Justin pulled my hand away and whispered in my ear, "I'd hate to have to start singing 'In Your Eyes' and quoting a certain movie."
I smiled, "Do you even remember any quotes from Say Anything?"
"Do I remember? You've only made me watch the movie how many times? My personal favorite is 'You must chill.' Laney, you must chill."
I laughed and announced, "The guy I fall in love with MUST be a real-life Lloyd Dobbler--witty, sardonic, polite, and totally devoted to me...and it wouldn't hurt if he looked like John Cusack either. I'll settle for no substitutes."
Justin moved to the door and turned to the two of us, "And you say that I'm picky. Whatever, Laney Jane." Justin stepped out into the hall, but didn't close the door. Instead, he smiled and said, "I'll meet the two of you on the beach in twenty minutes."
He closed the door behind him, and Britney and I laughed. She shook her head, "He is so weird sometimes."
"Sometimes? Tell me you weren't about to throw him off the plane when he complained that he didn't get the ending of American Beauty."
Britney threw her bag on her bed and started to dig through it. She held up her bikini top and said, "No. That didn't bother me. It was when he started doing his Whitney Houston impression. He thinks it's so good and it sucks."
Britney and I laughed again. She shrugged, "It's kinda cute on him though. He's a big ole dork."
"He really is," I groaned when I looked at my bathing suit, "How did I get talked into this trip again?"
"Justin is quite persuasive...this will be fun, Laney."
"I'm sure it will be. I've never been to Hawaii before and I doubt I'll ever get back here again."
"I was here last summer and I had a blast. It's part of the reason I was willing to risk his fans to come," she said, pulling out a pair of shorts. She blew on her lose pieces of hair and groaned, "Although the humidity is giving me the frizzies. I'd give anything to have your hair."
My hands reflexively pulled at my long, brown locks and I shrugged, "Yeah, well, I'd love to have your figure. So fair is fair, right?" I rummaged through my bag absent-mindedly. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I knew there was something I needed. After a few moments of quiet, I asked, "How do you handle his fans? Some of them are such--"
"Bitches?" She offered. She looked at me and smiled, "I get much worse than a couple of raving Nsync fans in a day. I've learned not to let it bother me and go with the flow. It just takes practice."
"Well, I give you credit. That crowd at the airport was downright scary...like something out of a movie involving the storming of the Bastille," I commented.
Britney took a seat on my bed and looked at me. She smiled, "Laney, you want to know what I think?"
"If you're anything like that boyfriend of yours, you don't care if I want to know. You're going to tell me anyway," I replied.
She laughed, "True..and I'm afraid I am. I think that you and I should let loose, have some fun in the sun, and make a pact not to let the Justin Rules Society ruin our trip. Screw 'em."
"Screw 'em," I repeated. I pushed my hair out of my face and explained, "I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull it off, but I'll try."
"Don't worry, girl. Once we're by the beach sipping fruit smoothies and watching Justin's hair puff to new lengths, you won't even notice the fans everywhere. They sorta blend with the atmosphere."
I hoped she was right. I shrugged, "At least the fans here haven't been touchy. Last summer I had one girl grab me by my ponytail and demand to know how I had gotten a backstage pass."
Britney shook her head, "Yeah. Most of the people are cool, but sometimes you get those idiots who ruin your day. Why is it that we always remember the negative and not the positive? I should write a book."
I laughed, "Go for it." I pulled my flip-flops out of my bag and groaned, "I hate the beach."
"Oh, I love it. I love sitting outside by the water with nothing to do but read a trashy romance about Cliff, the stable boy," she replied with a far-off look.
"I'm going to change. We can't keep you from Cliff, can we?"
"No, but shh. Justin can't know about my torrid affair yet."
I nodded and walked to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and stared at myself in the mirror. The words of the high school football player came back, "Very plain Melanie Jane" and I had to agree. I was plain and somehow ended up stuck in a sea of beautiful people.
I bet you're all wondering how the hell Britney and I manage to get along. We aren't alike in any way, shape, or form, except for the fact that we both care about Justin. I mean, most of our conversations have usually involved him somehow, which is always great for his ego. But Britney is nice. She speaks her mind, and despite what everyone seems to think, she's not stupid at all.
It still didn't make being the proverbial third wheel any more enticing, but try telling that to Justin. For some inexplicable reason, he felt it necessary to have me join him and Britney the whole trip. He made me the stupid third wheel.
The hell I did.
Laney Jane has never been nor will she ever be some tag-a-long that's not wanted. She's my friend. She's someone I like to spend time with.
Not a freaking third wheel.
The girl has such a high opinion of her value to me. For the longest time, I thought I didn't make it clear to her that I cared, but I came to accept that's how Laney acts. She doesn't take a compliment well. In fact, she doesn't take much well. Sometimes her bipolar attitude regarding our friendship wears thin, and I find myself wondering if the memories and the stability are really worth it.
Laney seems to think the real reason I stopped dating girls who weren't celebrities was because of the inability to get past the different livelihoods. That's not really it. Beautiful girls are a dime a dozen to me. They all want me to like them and in return I basicically have a puppet at my disposal. It's fun for a while. It's like in the movie Coming To America. Eddie Murphy had a beautiful woman who only wanted to serve him. Sure, he had fun making the girl bark like a dog, but in the end it was the girl who had her own life that appealed to him. It was the girl that made him feel normal that he liked spending time with.
I dated those beautiful girls whose only purpose was to be with me. It was flattering, and even enticing to an extent, but when I would ask my girlfriends what they wanted to do for dinner and they're only reply was "Whatever you want, Justin," it got old real quick.
What does this have to do with Laney? Well, Laney is the exact opposite of those girls I used to date. When I ask her what she wants to do, she has an answer and it's usually something regular where I don't have to put on some stupid celebrity face. Laney has her own life...a life I like to hear about. And that feeling, the thing Laney refers to as boring and ordinary, is her greatest quality. There are very few people around me that will say, "Justin, I think, after all this time, I've finally got the hang of Horse. Ready to get your butt kicked?" There are also very few people that I can spend hours fighting with without it leading to a screaming match.
So when I have those moments of uncertainty about my friendship with Laney, I have to remind myself that the girl really is worth it. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes I have to remind myself really hard. Like really, really hard. After all, I'm not some little puppy dog who can't live without her. Got it?
Anyway, I thought Hawaii was great. I had a blast and, despite any reports to the contrary, Laney had a smile on her face the whole time. Third wheel? She found ways to occupy her time when I was otherwise engaged with my girlfriend...and, for the most part, it was Laney and I in the day anyhow. Britney and I sometimes had different ideas of what defined a good time. Britney was never one for hiking or exploring and there are only so many hours I can sit under the sun with fans watching from a distance. So we did our own things for the most part.
This third wheel thing was a bunch of bull. There wasn't one moment on that trip where Laney had any reason to feel less than wanted. Stupid girl makes me so mad sometimes.
I bent over in exhaustion and moaned, "Laney, would you stop!"
"I want to get to the top of the cliff. The guy said the view up there is amazing."
I panted and slowly started trekking up the path, "Where did all this energy come from? I never knew you were an outdoorsmen."
"I'm not, but I want to see the view..." Laney paused and turned to stare at me. Her brown eyes seemed to almost reflect the sun and she smirked, "Out of shape, J?"
"I'm in perfect shape. I had my first show since Thanksgiving last night. I have a show tonight and look what you're doing to me! This is so unfair, Laney Jane."
She extended her hand and pulled me up the few feet towards her. She shook her head, "It's not much further and I promise you that you'll love this view."
"Yeah, yeah. How did I go from the opportunity of rubbing lotion on Britney's back next to a pool, to hiking in the hot sun up a mountain that could possibly erupt into lava?"
"You suffer from an over-active imagination, Justin," she called as she continued upwards.
"I do not. You saw Dante's Peak. You can't predict when these things will happen. Do you really want to be smothered by molten lava? Or fall into a pool of acid? I think not." I countered, jutting my bottom lip out for effect.
Laney rolled her eyes. One of these days I would learn that Laney was immune to my puppy dog face. I huffed, "This sucks."
Laney reached up and tapped me on the shoulder. I stared down at her (I've got almost a foot in height on the girl.) and my eyebrows raised, "What now?"
"We're here."
I turned to look out and sighed in bliss. It was beautiful. The sun was an almost orange as it blended into the morning sky. The water seemed to reflect off everything around it and in the distance the surrounding islands could be seen. My stepfather loved the mountains. He used to tell me that if you got high enough if felt like you were communicating with God. At that moment, all the achy muscles and throbbing feet were forgotten. I stepped near the edge and looked around, "You can see the whole island from up here."
"Isn't it beautiful?"
I looked at Laney, "It is. Near perfection."
Laney squinted against the sun rays and said, "The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness."
I turned to look at Laney who was peering down at the water rolling up against the bottom of the cliff. I replied, "What?"
"It's the Hawaii state motto," Laney answered absently as she walked along the edge of the cliff.
I pulled her back slightly, "I'm not even going to ask."
"I did some research before our trip."
"You're such a nerd, Laney Jane."
"Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21, 1959."
"I get it. I get it. Your mind has an endless capacity for useless information."
"Keenan in Playing By Heart said that," Laney said, tapping her forehead.
"Angelina Jolie was damn fine in that film. I wouldn't protest if she was throwing herself at me."
"Ryan Phillippe with the blue hair was hot too."
I wrapped my arm over Laney's shoulder and smirked, "You know, people have told me that I look like Ryan Phillippe."
"I don't see it."
"Yeah. Put me in a wife beater and show a picture of Ryan from I Know What You Did Last Summer and we're twins."
"Hardly," Laney scoffed.
I dropped my bag and glared at her, "What does that mean?"
I saw Laney chewing on her bottom lip to hide the grin forming. Evil was coming. Evil in the form of Laney Jane's mouth. I prepared myself for her minced words. Instead she shrugged and stepped away from the edge of the cliff. Have I mentioned that she was evil? She knew I hated when things are left hanging. I hated when I knew someone wanted to say something else and they didn't. I followed her and said, "Don't ignore the question, Laney Jane."
"Me? Do that? It really is beautiful up here. Hawaii has the vastest--"
"How am I hardly a comparison to Ryan Phillippe? Are you saying there is no resemblance?"
She stared at me for a minute and laughed, "I can't believe you're upset about this. I happen to find Ryan Phillippe attractive and if I start looking for similarities that will completely ruin it."
I scowled, "Gee thanks."
"That's not how I meant it. I mean you aren't completely unattractive--"
"Keep it up, Laney Jane. I might swoon."
"If I start to see the resemblance between the two of you, it would be wrong, Justin. It would be like drooling over my brother--if I had a brother."
"I am from Tennessee you know?" I said with a wink.
"You're so gross," she said, dropping her bag on the ground.
"But you love me."
"That remains to be seen."
I knew that was as close to a compliment or affirmation of my importance in Laney's life as I was going to get. I decided to drop it. I looked out at the horizon, shielding my eyes with my hands, and said, "It's so peaceful up here. I could almost forget the frenzy that ocurred at the beach yesterday."
"I can't believe all the damn cameras in your face. And did you see that one girl taking pictures of me? Why would anyone want my picture? I don't even want my picture."
"They wanted some link to me."
"Great. Just what I want to be--a link to Justin Timberlake."
"Aside from the occasional insane fan, are you glad that you came?"
"It's been fun. Thanks for the trip, Justin, even if I'm not sure when I can pay you back."
"Why would you have to pay me back? Laney Jane, please don't ruin this trip by saying something monumentally stupid," I begged.
Laney shrugged, "I wasn't talking about the trip. I was--nevermind."
"It was your Christmas gift."
She laughed, "Just so you can hold it over my head that your gift was better than mine."
"Doesn't it make you feel horrible that you only bought me a book on Alfred Hitchcock?" I shook my head and reached for her hand. I added sincerely, "I liked my gift...and one day when you're the big politician, I'll be turning to you for hand-outs."
Laney looked at me for a minute and quipped, "Do you know anything about public servants? The people behind the scenes make NO money, Justin."
I sat down on a bench that overlooked the water. Laney walked around before joining me. She said, "Thanks for coming with me this morning."
"Yeah well, I dragged you on this trip. I figure you're allowed to drag my ass away from my lounge chair at the pool one of the mornings that we're here," I replied, digging through my bag until I found my water bottle. I took a few gulps and offered it to Laney.
She took a few sips, wiped the water from her mouth, and said, "One day left before we head back to reality."
"I hate reality sometimes. I like a world where you don't try to pretend we're not friends."
"I don't...I thought you didn't want to talk about this," Laney said, running her sneakers against the gravel surface.
"Well, we have to at some point, I guess. The fans are a part of my life, Laney, and you're a part of my life. You're bound to have a run-in with them occasionally," I said, trying to make it seem like it was no big deal. I knew it was a big deal to Laney, though, and I had to tread carefully.
"I try to handle it, but I don't want my life to be about you, Justin, or our friendship. The end of high school was awful for me. Everyone wanted me to get them tickets to a show or an autograph or a date--"
I grinned, "Oh really? How come you never mentioned these dates to me?"
"What am I? The Love Connection?"
"Fine. I got myself a pretty girlfriend all on my own," I said with a wink.
"I still haven't figured out why a semi-intelligent pop princess would date you on purpose."
"Is that right? And what's so terrible about me?" I asked in mock-anger.
Laney held up her hand like she was counting along with Sesame Street and answered, "First, we have the hair. I'm not sure what's growing in there, but I'm thinking of investing in a weed-whacker. Second, there is the way people treat you like you're inviolable and perfect. Third, we have that wonderful, smug grin. So smug--"
I shot her a bored look, "Smug?"
She patted my leg and replied condescendingly, "Smug means conceited or egotistical--"
"That's it! Just because I'm not a walking thesaurus doesn't mean I need you to explain words to me. Do I have to remind you which of us got the higher Verbal score on our SATs?" I watched Laney's face contort into a scowl and grinned--it was definitely smug too.
"You beat me by twenty freaking points and I kicked your ass on math."
I yawned, "Your point?"
"I ended up with a higher score."
"Yeah, but not in the verbal section. I'm the master, girl. I'm proficient beyond the regular man, a virtuoso of vocab--"
"Oh my god. Shut up!" Laney moaned.
"Maybe even a champion of the english language," I stopped to meet her scathing looks and asked, "What? Do I need to tone down the big words a bit for you?"
Laney punched me in the arm, "I hate you, and I'm convinced you cheated somehow on the test. There is no way that a man who uses words like, 'you so fly' and 'crunk' could have beaten me on the SATs. No damn way!"
"Don't be envious of my amazing vocabulary and good looks, Laney Jane. I can always help you...ouch..." I rubbed my stomach, "That really hurt. Sucker punch me in the stomach again and I might leave your violent ass here."
She cackled--a real cackle--and replied, "Go ahead. I'm not the one who shrieked at the sight of a bee and nearly toppled down the hill. You won't make it back down this trail on your own."
I scowled, "I was protecting you and it wasn't funny at all."
She tried to maintain a calm face, "It really was."
"No, it wasn't. Why do I bother?" I looked upwards, "Is this God's idea of a bad joke? Of all the people I could have met my first day in Orlando, it had to be her!"
"God has a sick sense of humor. It's the only thing I can come up with."
I stared down at her and said, "So you're admitting that God brought us together. I'm making progress."
"Such a girl."
"Not this again."
"Well, you are, but I shouldn't be surprised. You cried at the end of Steel Magnolias."
"Only because it was Julia Roberts. I love her," I paused as her words sunk in and complained, "And I thought we weren't going to talk about that. It was a secret we would take to the grave. I don't cry. I never cry."
"Uh-huh."
"Laney Jane, stop avoiding the subject."
"We had a subject?"
"Yes," I paused. For the life of me, I couldn't remember what we were talking about prior to Steel Magnolias. I should have known. Avoidance 101 could have been taught by Melanie Jane Stanton. She purposefully tried to bait me into arguments, not that I needed much encouragement, and I had a tendency to momentarily forget the conversation at hand. You'd think I would know better than to walk into an obvious trap like that. I didn't. I hollered, "God dammit. I forgot. You always do that."
"What can I say? I'm gifted."
I pushed the sleeves of my shirt up and commented, "You're not going to get away with this."
Laney yawned and shot me an annoyed look, "Is it my fault that you have the brain retention of a pea? You know my sister is studying neuropsychology. Maybe she can help you with this severe mental block."
I mumbled under my breath, resisting the urge to strangle her and leave her body in the woods. I let out a loud sigh of frustration and asked, "Are we ready to get out of here? We passed those stores on our way here in the van. I want to do some shopping before we leave."
"Okay with me. I should get my sisters souvenirs. You have to help me pick something out," Laney replied. She stopped moving for a moment and I watched her fix her hair. Laney Jane had this long, wavy head of brown hair. When we were younger, I used to watch her wrap a long piece of it around her finger, unwrap it, and then start all over again. It was mostly when she was uncomfortable or moping about something, but observing her movements with her hair was almost mesmerizing. Further proof that Laney was probably right about me--I paid too much attention to movies.
Laney pulled her hair up in a tight ponytail, pushing loose wisps out of her face, and added, "Dana is easy to buy for, but I have no idea what to get Meredith."
We started down the mountain and I said, "We'll find something. So...everyone is going to the club downtown tonight. Britney mentioned something about you not coming along."
"What is this? Tag team clubbing?"
"It's our last night here. You can't stay in, Laney."
"Justin, what the hell am I going to do? You'll be with Britney."
"You're coming."
"I'm not coming."
"Laney," I warned.
"Justin, I don't force things down your throat that you don't want to do. Why don't you ever listen to me?"
"I do listen to you. I just don't believe you."
"That's your problem, not mine. It's been a nice trip and I really don't want it to end with me pushing you off this cliff."
I folded my arms, "Laney Jane, humor me one last time."
I figured she would relent. She usually gave in, but she threw me off when she said, "No."
"What?"
"I don't want to attend this party, so let it go. You'll be having fun dancing with Britney. You won't even notice that I'm not there."
"I'll notice, Laney, and I'll be miserable thinking of you sitting in the hotel room all by yourself."
"I want to be in the hotel room by myself. I've allowed you to drag me to all these things the past few days. It always ends up with you and Britney on the dance floor while I'm stuck at the table meeting the curious stares of every Nsync fan in the vicinity. Not my idea of a good time."
I groaned. This was not what I had planned for our last night in paradise. I grabbed her hand and stopped moving. She lost her balance and we both nearly fell over. She glared at me and I shrugged, "Sorry?"
"Are you trying to break our legs?"
"Laney, I know that you feel uncomfortable at these clubs when everyone is paired up and I...I promise not to neglect you tonight. Please come."
She smiled and patted my arm, "J, you don't neglect me. You have a girlfriend. You're allowed to spend time with her, but I don't want to have to witness the spectacle."
I laughed, "You could get some big money on it from the Enquirer."
"The stuff I have on you is much better than a few pictures. I'm waiting for the perfect moment to blackmail you and make outrageous demands."
I shot her an I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about-I'm-perfect look. I noticed Laney's goofy grin and the focused squint on her face. Her eyes were glued to her feet as she treaded down the dirt path. She was trying to distract me, but I wasn't going to fall for her evasive actions against my whining again. Not this time. I wasn't going to let this go or forget what I was talking about. I nudged her side and said, "Tonight is going to be a blast and it wouldn't be the same without you."
Laney kicked at a rock on the path and muttered something under her breath. I smiled, "Does that mean that you're coming tonight or what?"
"We'll see--" I went to say something and Laney quickly added, "I suggest you drop this before I refuse on principle alone."
"I was going to tell you that I can work with a 'we'll see' so there," I countered, sticking my tongue out. I wasn't really going to say that, but whatever works. I started down the path again, took Laney's hand, pulling her along with me, and groaned, "I really hate hiking. I thought I'd like it, but I don't."
"Don't think about it then. Concentrate on something else."
I shook my head, "How about the fact that with one wrong step I could fall off the side of this cliff into a lava pool?"
She laughed and offered, "I promise to try to save you."
I clutched my chest and batted my eyelashes, "Why Laney! That's about the sweetest thing you ever said to me."
She punched me in the arm, "Yeah, yeah. Remember our Backdraft excursion?"
I looked at her blankly for a moment and then it dawned on me, "Oh yeah! I almost forgot about it. Our 'you go, we go' philosophy. Wasn't that our pact to always have each other's backs?"
Laney nodded and I shook my head, "Didn't stop you from punching me when I pulled you into the pool with me that summer."
"That's so not what we meant. When we made that pact we were talking about near-death accidents, not a situation where you didn't want to be the only one drenched for no good reason so you dragged your innocent friend down with you."
"HA! Innocent my ass."
"I still maintain that you tripped on my shoe and fell into the pool," Laney got ahead of me as we walked and continued, "Name all of Dermot Mulroney's movies and, if you do it in chronological order, you get bonus points."
"Hello random."
"I'm trying to keep your mind off walking so you don't bitch the whole time. I'll get you started. There was Staying Together with Sean Astin."
"My Best Friend's Wedding of course. The guy was so stupid not to choose Julia Roberts. So stupid. He had the perfect relationship with her and he blew it by marrying a fifth grader."
"I still maintain that the ending of My Best Friend's Wedding was good."
"You're wrong. Michael and Julianne had history. They had a song."
Laney rolled her eyes, "It would have been stupid if she ended up with Michael. It's overdone."
"It's not overdone."
"Name one best friend movie other than this one where the guy and girl best friends don't end up together."
My mind blanked and I snapped, "So?"
"So it's overdone and not very realistic."
"Movies don't always have to be realistic, Laney Jane. And it's not so unrealistic of a thought either. There are friends that end up together."
"There are also friends that don't."
"Yeah, yeah...so we've also got Young Guns, Kansas City, How To Make An American Quilt, Angels In The Outfield, Where the Day Takes You...that movie with Drew Barrymore set in the west that was god awful...um...shit...are there more?"
"Yes, there are more. You're missing my favorite of his movies," Laney pointed out.
"Your favorite of his movies? You need therapy," I said, watching my footing carefully as we descended further down.
"C'mon Justin. I know you know this movie."
I searched my brain and complained, "Do you know how many movies the two of us have seen? How am I expected to remember them all?"
"I do."
"Well, you're weird."
"Probably. You forgot Samantha."
"That's the one where they were neighbors growing up and he played the cello, right?"
"Uh-huh. Did you know that Dermot Mulroney played the cello himself for the movie? He's an accomplished musician."
"Further proof that you need to get out more. Your brain is filled with the most random crap," I paused, looked around, and noticed we were down the mountain. I hit her in the shoulder lightly and questioned, "Why couldn't you do that on the way up?"
"If I had known you were such a baby, I probably would have."
"I'm not a baby. Anyone with half a brain would complain about having to hike up a cliff at the butt crack of dawn."
"It's after ten in the morning and most of the people I associate with have more than half a brain," Laney asserted.
I noticed Todd grimacing at us and I went up to him. I pointed at Laney, "Is there a way we can dump her on the side of the road?"
Todd's eyebrows raised, "Can I leave you with her?"
"Hey now, Toddy. Be nice."
Todd turned to my other guard, Eric, and commented, "Wasn't it peaceful while they were up there?"
Eric nodded, "It definitely was. Are we heading back to the hotel?"
"No. We're going shopping."
The two guards groaned. I glared at them as I hopped in the van. I saw Laney looking out the window and said, "Dollar for your thoughts."
"Thanks for making me come on this trip, J. It's been fun."
"You're welcome..." I decided to push my luck, "...and you're coming tonight."
"Let it go."
"Once you say yes."
"I'll think about it."
I nodded and we spent the rest of the morning shopping. Everything went relatively smoothly, despite the crowd that seemed to appear at one of the souvenir shops right behind us. Laney handled it relatively well. Better than I did. There were some nasty girls there and I nearly slapped them for some of the stuff they said about Laney. No wonder Laney hated being around me when people treated her like that.
I'd like to interrupt Justin's long-winded mutterings for a moment to state that I didn't really handle everything all that well. I hated his fans. It probably sounds awful. Hell, it is awful, but it's true. I hated his fans. And the older fans were usually the worst because, in their ignorant minds, they actually believed that they could have Justin. They thought that if they paraded around long enough in a tube top and hair extensions that Justin would come a running.
I had no respect for that and I know that they didn't care for me either.
"Laney? How about this for Dana?" Justin replied, holding up a hula girl. He hit the button on its stand and the doll's hips started moving to music. He imitated the dance, shaking his hips from side to side.
"Put that down! Does my sister seem like the type to appreciate something like that? I might as well buy her the singing bass."
"I think we should buy that for Lance. Freak him out a bit."
I laughed and Justin fingered a big shell. He picked up and blew really hard. I covered my ears and my face flushed as the eyes of everyone in the store fell on us. Justin put it down and said, "I think it needs tuning."
"Would you stop messing around with everything and help me find a gift?"
"I am helping you...my god, they have marbles. Real shooting marbles. I haven't seen those in years," Justin replied, taking my hand and leading me over to the games area of the store. He picked up a paddleball and started counting out loud.
I snatched the paddleball out of his hands, "Would you stop acting like a five year old?"
"Would you stop acting like a five year old?" he mimicked.
"You're such an idiot, Justin."
"You're such an idiot, Justin."
"Stop it."
"Stop it."
"This is really mature."
Justin smiled evilly, "This is really mature."
"I'm Justin Timberlake and I'm the world's biggest ass."
"I'm Justin--hey now, no need to get sassy," Justin replied as he fiddled with a pair of wind-up chattering teeth. He laughed and commented, "I miss being able to do this stuff."
"Acting like you suffer from autism?"
"I do not. I'm having fun. In case you were wondering, fun means..." Justin's voice trailed off and I followed his gaze. There were about seven girls standing at the front of the store with delirium etched in their faces.
We both groaned and huddled together. I stated, "We're not getting out of here in one piece."
"They're just after me, Laney."
"You go, we go, remember?"
He squeezed my hand and said, "I could be nice and sign the autographs, but..."
"But word will get out that Justin is doing an impromptu autograph signing and we'll be swamped."
"If I ignore them now, I get labeled an asshole."
"And if someone is going to label you an asshole, it should be based on one of your numerous annoying qualities rather than some imagined injustice," I concurred.
Justin pushed my shoulder, "Laney, do me a favor and don't agree with me."
"So what do we do then?"
"I don't know, but they're starting to move forward."
"We could make a run for it. Todd is right outside."
"No. This is my vacation. I don't want it ruined."
"Excuse me, Justin?"
I groaned when two girls approached us. One girl was tall with blond hair with Christina Aguilera-like zebra stripes in it. The other girl had a short red bob of hair barely noticeable through a bedazzled bandana. I fought hard not to snicker as Justin put on his cheesy grin. I hated that grin. It reminded me of the Hamburglar in the McDonald's commercials...completely menacing in a very stupid way. Justin replied, "Yeah."
"Hi, I'm Ashley and this is my best friend, LeeAnn...can we like get our picture with you?"
I noticed the other girl stick out her chest and tried to slip aside. I said, "I'm going to get Todd."
"Probably a good idea," Justin said in defeat. He looked at the girls and added, "One picture will be okay, but I have to get going."
"Is that girl your girlfriend? I thought you were here with Britney," the blonde, Ashley, said.
The other girl snapped the picture and then switched places with her friend. She slipped her arm around Justin's waist and whispered something in his ear. I shook my head and turned to walk out. I bumped right into two more girls. I smiled politely and said, "Excuse me. Sorry."
The one girl grabbed my arm, "You know Justin. THE Justin?"
I wanted to lie. I should have lied, but instead, I answered, "Yeah."
"Really? Wow. But you're so normal looking. We always thought he only hung out with models and stuff."
"I wouldn't know about that. I've got to--"
The girl pulled me back and said, "You're going to introduce us to him. If he hangs out with you, I'm sure he'll want to hang out with us."
"I'm not his pimp...but I hear there is an establishment a few miles away that can help you out," I replied, trying to get past the girls.
The two girls exchanged looks and sneered at me. A full-fledged sneer. I didn't know people still did that. One of the girls leaned in and said, "Afraid he'll see what pretty girls look like and forget you?"
"She's probably madly in love with him and gets jealous of any other girls."
"Yes, you've found me out. I can't believe I'm that transparent that two complete strangers can read me so well. Goodbye," I countered. I started to walk off to find Todd but the girls followed me. I turned and glared, "Can I help you with something?"
"How exactly did you meet Justin?"
"My boyfriend died a brutal death...and he wanted vengeance, but Justin was the only one blessed with the Sixth Sense gift. My boyfriend's spirit sent him to my house to warn me that it was actually his best friend that killed him."
The two girls' mouths dropped open and the first girl stammered, "Re-re-really?"
I folded my arms, "No, not really, you morons! That's the plot to Ghost. Leave me alone!"
"Dude, we were asking you innocent questions."
"Yeah, I bet if Justin knew what a bitch you were, he wouldn't hang out with you."
I decided the best line of defense was to ignore the girl. It worried me that I was growing almost numb to some of the inappropriate comments fans made to and about me. All along I had hoped Britney was right and that I would be able to ignore his fans, but I was quickly learning that my inability to disregard the Nsync audience wasn't the problem. The real quandary was that I was becoming unmoved by hurtful and stupid shit. I knew that both Justin and Britney had to feign indifference. It was a part of their jobs, of their lives. I couldn't though. I didn't want to be that person.
I tried to ignore them all the same and continued walking over to where Todd was. I called out, "Todd, slight problem inside."
Todd nodded in understanding and walked away. Both girls were standing right beside me as I hopped in the van. I heard the one girl before I shut the door, "And look at her outfit. Can we say ugly? Does she shop at Good Will or something?"
Ignore them...ignore them...they're stupid, I thought. I looked out the window and tried to remember all the fun Justin and I were having. It was hard to explain. Sometimes the good really did outweigh the bad, but it was things like this that I always remembered. And it wasn't like their opinion, these stupid girls' opinions, really mattered to me. It was what they represented. This was typical in Justin's life. I saw it happen to all of his girlfriends in the past and I even saw it happen to Britney. The fans ripped the girls apart based on nothing.
I didn't want that in my life. I would never want that in my life, but I was having trouble with exactly what that entailed. Did that mean I didn't want Justin in my life? Did it mean that I had to give up one for the other? I wasn't really sure, but I knew it was something I was going to have think long and hard about.
Damn Justin for being such a good friend. It would have been so much easier if he had let fame change him or if he took me for granted. Instead, I was the horrible one in our friendship. I probably took him for granted.
The door opened and Justin jumped in. He shook his head, "Those girls were real bitches. I hate girls like that."
"I know what you mean."
"I saw them accost you. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fine, Justin."
"Todd is cutting our shopping fun short. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"I know, but--it's moments like that I wish I were that guy you told your roommate about."
"Huh?"
He arched his eyebrows and grinned, "Oh you didn't think I knew about that?"
"I can expl--"
Justin interrupted, "I like it. I'm traveling cross-country on a motorcycle while I find myself. Your roommate would talk to me while you were in class. I hear I also have an affection for Sylvester Stallone movies and gold chains--"
I smiled, "I threw a bit of Joey in there."
"And the snakeskin boots and writing poetry?"
"Some Lance and JC too," I explained.
"I'm guessing the love of punk bands is Chris," Justin paused. When I nodded in affirmation, he laughed, "I always knew that together we made the perfect man."
"Perfect loser is more like it...but I'm fond of losers."
"I feel the love Laney," he chewed on his finger for a moment and added, "Don't let those girls spoil the trip for you. I know the way your mind works and I know that you have a tendency to harp on the negative."
"Let's drop this, okay? You've got a show tonight and I want to finish the book I'm reading."
"Cablevision is playing Dogma. I haven't seen it yet."
"Matt Damon is in that movie."
"I know that, Rainman. You've really got a one-track mind where he's concerned. It's not healthy."
"Hey, your girlfriend and I have worked it out. She'll take Ben and I get Matt. It works."
"I love how you're conspiring with my girlfriend to break my heart."
"I'm sorry but they're much cooler guys than you."
"Again, I feel the love, Laney Jane. Not only do I feel the love, but I bask in it."
I know what you're all thinking. I have no backbone. I'm a wimpy amoeba. To quote Julia Roberts in Justin's favorite movie, "I'm pond scum. I'm the fungus that causes the pond scum." There I was mentally calculating the pros and cons of continuing our friendship while making plans with him at the same time.
I hated myself.
Why am I considered the drama queen in this relationship when she is the one who makes elaborate announcements like "I hate myself"? Does Laney really think I'm stupid? And before she tries to answer that question, let me rephrase. Does Laney really believe that I didn't know what she was contemplating in that completely off-kilter mind of hers?
I knew that Laney was freaked out by the situation at the store. When I said that she handled the situation remarkably well, I meant remarkably well by Laney standards. She didn't completely shut down or fixate on the possibilities of a rumor getting out that I had a friend who wasn't a model or singer or whoever I was supposed to spend time with. In my opinion, that was progress.
I liked progress, especially when I was enjoying my time with Melanie Jane. I can't explain it without sounding like some loser who clings to the past and what not, but think about it. Think about your close friendships. Think about not being able to make new friends easily. You'd want to hold on to the relationships that work too.
When we arrived back at the hotel, we watched Dogma with Britney and my mother. For the record, I didn't like the friendship that my girlfriend and best friend seemed to have. The two of them were exchanging "Ben and Matt are so dreamy" comments the whole time. I nearly killed myself, or the two of them.
After the movie, I had to haul ass and get myself ready to go to the venue for the show. But I needed to handle things first. I devised a fail-proof plan to get Laney to go to the club with us that night. She had to come and her "we'll see" could only appease me so long. I needed assurances. I needed Laney Jane to have a good time because...well...I just did.
"Laaaannnnceee!" I screamed as I entered his room.
"What?" he called, peering out at me from the bathroom where he was shaving.
"I need a favor."
"Why do I dread those words?" his reflection said to me through the mirror as he pressed the blade against his chin.
I leaned against the door and asked, "You're going to the club tonight, right?"
"Yeah."
"Are you going with Danielle?"
"She left this morning. Why?"
"Will you ask Laney to go with you?"
Lance put down his razor and looked at me skeptically, "She told you she wasn't going so now you're trying to thrust me on her."
"When you say it like that, it sounds manipulative," I took a step closer to him and pleaded, "Please. I hate the idea of her stuck in a hotel room in Hawaii while everyone else is out having fun. And she wants to go, but she hates sitting at the table while I'm otherwise occupied."
"Who can blame her? Do you and Britney ever stop?"
I rolled my eyes, "Look. It will give you a dance partner, it will give Laney someone to talk to, and it will give me peace of mind. Everything will work out."
"Fine, Justin. I'll ask her to come along with me. She's going to see right through this, ya know?"
I smirked, "Please. The girl used to have a crush on you and won't even--oh shit, I wasn't supposed to mention that part, but yeah. Ask her, Lance."
"Melanie had a crush on me? I'm flattered."
I frowned and pointed my finger in his face, "Don't even think about it, Lance. Laney Jane is like a sister to me and I'd rather see her hook up with every guy on this beach than date one of you."
Lance pushed my hand away, "I'm not thinking about anything, Justin. Is she going to tonight's show? I'll ask her then."
"She's going over to the arena later with Brit. Brit talked her into going back downtown to the shops with her."
"Sounds like Laney is in shopping hell. So between you and Britney, who does have the bigger shoe collection?"
"Shut up, Lance. We're leaving in fifteen minutes. I'll see you downstairs."
"I hope you're prepared for Laney to say no. I don't know why you can't leave the poor girl alone."
"Because she's my friend and she's going to party with us tonight if I have to kill her."
"I'm not sure I get it, but it beats listening to you bitch and moan for the rest of the evening."
I smiled--almost beamed--and opened the door to the hall. I called out, "Thanks Lance."
Everything was in place. There was no way that Laney would say no. She had no arguments left. It was hard to be the tag-along or feel like the loner when you had a date of your own. Of course, it wasn't a real date.
I know what you're all thinking. You're wondering exactly what was running through my head. I'm not sure I have an answer for you. I just knew that Laney had to come to the clubs with us that night. I wasn't sure why. It's like that natural intuition or instinct thing that people talk about. There is a strange drilling sensation in the gut that tells you when something isn't right. When I had spoken to Britney earlier that morning and she had said that Laney wasn't planning to go to the club, the drill split apart my stomach.
The thing is, in retrospect, I understand the gut reaction. I'm a guy. I don't believe in overdone declarations of love or need or whatever...but that doesn't mean I don't occasionally suffer from hurt feelings beyond being pissed off or cranky. It hurt that Laney didn't want me around a lot of the time. I understood it to an extent (not really, but I tried) and I accepted it. It still stung.
During our trip to Hawaii, things fell back to normal with the added bonus of beautiful scenery for our debauchery. We were able to spend long periods of time together, despite fans, girlfriends, and paranoid fears. We were able to talk about life and movies and art and Laney's newfound love of Broadway. It was nice and I didn't want to see it end. I had this sinking feel--that intuition drilling--that Laney Jane was going to recommence her distance routine upon our return to the real world.
I didn't want that to happen. That's not too unbelievable is it?