Chapter Seventeen

I really love the movie Samantha. It has all the things I love-wit, entertainment, and a cute guy-and the premise isn't completely unbelievable. It's a story about Samantha, who just turned twenty-one and finds out that she's adopted. The audience finds out that Samantha has always been a bit off-kilter and different than everyone else, but she never paid any attention to what most people thought of her. She was extremely smart, she had her best friend, Henry, and the two of them would put into motion these crazy plans that Samantha thought of. He calls her "fathead" and they help each other through bad relationships and have a great friendship that suits their personalities (note the just friends part).

But Samantha goes and ruins everything…she decides that she's in love with Henry. She doesn't care that he has a girlfriend and she doesn't mind disencumbering her newfound desires on him. Over dinner, while Henry is shoveling steak into his mouth, she drops this bomb; "I'm in love with you, Henry." He obviously freaks out. This is his best friend, the person that he has considered his buddy since he was four-feet tall, his non-lovey-dovey amigo. He starts to think about the time that they electrocuted their goldfish in an experiment or the time Samantha got locked in the church steeple overnight. He then has to relate this information to the person sitting before him making absurd declarations of destined love and soulmates. But Samantha doesn't understand any of that. She only thinks of herself, what she needs, despite the fact that it leaves Henry messed up and confused.

I think my favorite part of the movie is that Samantha and Henry aren't smooching at the end of the film. They're together, involved in another one of their elaborate schemes; he calls her "fathead" and it's entirely up to the audience to decide how it ends. I chose to see them as best friends. I should have known I was in trouble when Justin saw them married with five kids.

I suddenly understood Henry's nervous breakdown when Samantha laid the news on him. What was Justin thinking? How could he stand there in the middle of a crowded restaurant and randomly decide that he was in love with me? He had returned from the bathroom with this my-leather-pants-are-too-tight swagger like he was Mr. Hotshit Rockstar and said, "We need to talk, Laney." I should've heard the warning bells in the air. Justin never wanted to talk about anything. Let me clarify: Justin loved to talk; he simply didn't enjoy discussing anything of actual importance about what was going on in his life. It should've alerted me to a potential meltdown.

God, what was wrong with him?

I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't sure what to think. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I remembered how to breathe. I knew that I had to get away from him and his maniacal pronouncements. Justin wasn't in love with me. He had never acted like he was in love with me before. There were no sideward-longing glances, no strange petting or groping, and no weird closeness-well, none that was unusual to our relationship. Not to mention, Justin was always quite content with the beautiful girls that leeched on to his arm and in the past year he had always seemed completely devoted to Britney.

Again, I had to ask, where the hell was this coming from?

And the kiss…the stupid, out-of-nowhere kiss that had sucked the air right out of my lungs as if my soul was being ripped out of my body. I could see how so many girls fell prey to Justin's advances. His lips were well accomplished in the art of kissing…

I wasn't going to harp on the kiss. I wasn't going to think about it. This was me not thinking about it…

Why did he kiss me? He had grabbed me and pulled me against his chest; rather than stopping there, he had leaned down, his eyes shimmering intensely-a cobalt color that made me think of the mythic figures from Ancient Greece-and locked his smooth lips on mine. Justin had always resorted to touchy-feely crap whenever he was losing an argument, but this was absurd. He knew I was in mental disarray over his cries of love and he used it to his advantage. He kissed me. He grabbed me and kissed me in a very non-platonic way that shut down all functioning thought-processes. It was like finals. I had been up for forty-eight hours straight studying and the hour before I finally collapsed was filled with these strange lapses of time. At one point, I had tried to pick up a soda and pour it into a glass. I did it, but it didn't register that I had done it. I wasn't cognizant of my actions.

The same thing happened with the kiss. I wasn't conscious of our kiss. I was too thrown; I was lip-locked with my best friend and there was this inkling (just an inkling) of reciprocation on my part. A part of me enjoyed the stupid kiss. Worse than that, what filled me with the most rage and irrational worries, I had kissed him back. Hey, I was human and to not acknowledge that all of Justin's practice made his lips a mortal weapon would've been a complete fabrication of the facts (And let's face it. We save the exaggerations for Justin's half of the story). So it was settled. I wasn't aware of my actions. It was the only explanation for my inability to knock him to the ground and kick the life out of his no-good body.

Stupid bastard. Stupid, stupid bastard. Didn't he realize that with those few pointless words he had changed our entire dynamic? Whatever happened from that point on-even if Justin woke up and remembered that he dated models and girls that giggled on command-things would be different between us. God damn fucking bastard.

He kissed me. No matter how many times I tried to get past it, I couldn't wrap my brain around the words and the smell of vanilla cake batter as Justin's hands got tangled in my hair. He wasn't supposed to use those lips on me. He was never supposed to kiss me anywhere but on the cheek. This wasn't good. I was going to end up jumping in front of the Uptown Express train if I couldn't stop fixating on it. It was nothing…I just had to tell myself it was nothing.

But I couldn't.

One stupid action was going to destroy my entire relationship with Justin. With a few meaningless words and a kiss, Justin had turned us into Some Kind of Wonderful without the Eric Stoltz goodness-not that we were going to end up together. It wasn't going to happen. Damn him. Damn Justin to hell. I hated him. I loathed his stupid motor mouth that let words slip out without any consideration for what it meant.

How could he possibly think that kissing me would change anything? Stupid jackass. He had no right to kiss me. He was supposed to be my friend. Friends didn't kiss like that. Friends didn't induce heart-racing proximity between one another.

Didn't Justin know anything?

It plagued me the whole walk back to my dormitory. I couldn't get the look on Justin's face out of my head and his stupid kiss had me completely confused. This wasn't supposed to happen. I always figured if our friendship ended it would be due to his fame not because he gave me some ultimatum about how I was either his fated soulmate or nothing at all.

Bastard, I thought to myself, the stupid bastard is making ridiculous statements because he doesn't like Spencer.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that it had to be what was going on. Justin wasn't in love with me. The boy didn't know what real love was. Real love was problems. Real love was arguing and getting sick of one another and taking every flaw into consideration. Real love was vulnerability beyond admitting that Top Gun was still your favorite film of all time. It didn't involve overdone pleas of "We are one heart" or some equally ludicrous abuse of the English Language. Love wasn't about being so afraid of being alone and never finding love that you latch on to the first free arm you see…and it definitely wasn't roses and stars and songs dedicated in your name on the radio. Justin's idea of love didn't exist-and it definitely wasn't me.

I was happy to find that my roommate wasn't home when I returned from the disastrous dinner. I glanced at my answering machine, half-hoping that Justin had called and tried to play the whole thing off as a momentary lapse of insanity, but there were no messages. I kicked off my shoes and fell back on my bed. I fingered a few strands of my hair and nervously chewed on the edges. Meredith used to holler that I was giving myself split ends, but I was impervious. It was a stress reliever-a way to squelch my nerves. I bit at my hair, stared up at the ceiling, and tried to make sense of what happened earlier. There had to be some logical explanation. There had to be some reason Justin had grabbed me and kissed me…and…

Don't even go there, Melanie Jane. Of course he's a good kisser. He's had enough practice with most of the female population-all of whom he claimed to love as well, I yelled at myself.

He had me so perplexed and it was making me uncomfortable. It was making me doubt my own actions. At that moment, I needed a sounding board. I needed Justin. I didn't think of Justin: the sexy teen idol who made a play for me, but Justin: my next-door neighbor and good friend that could make me see the humor in almost anything.

I tried to imagine it was someone else. If some other guy had unexpectedly professed his undying devotion for me, what would Justin tell me to do? Until Spencer he was the only male in my life next to my father. I always went to Justin with my complaints about his gender and questions about dating (Talk about the blind leading the blind. Basically, anything Justin would say to do, I usually did the opposite of.) Knowing Justin, he would tease me mercilessly about attracting yet another stalker and tell me to follow my heart. Unfortunately, my heart was too busy pumping blood like I was a cheetah on the hunt to actually use it for directions.

I shut my eyes and tried to cover my face with all my hair-a college version of Cousin It from The Adams Family. This was all too surreal, like I was sucked into a Julia Roberts movie and forced to act the part of the dimwitted leading lady.

Why was this happening? Why, why, why?

My phone rang and I reached for it without moving from my spot on the bed. I dropped the cradle for my cordless on the floor and stared at it for a few minutes like it was some sort of alien ooze. I turned my phone on to stop the incessant ringing and didn't say anything.

"Hello? Laney?"

My eyes opened and shut again as quickly due to a blurry haze blocking out any clear vision. I tried to reply, but no words came out. It was as if I was permanently lost in Justin's stupid "I'm in love with you" ramblings.

"Laney? Are you okay?"

I groaned, unable to verbalize anything else. I coughed and achieved a soft, "Yeah?"

"You sound terrible. I was calling to let you know I got back to Orlando and I wanted to hear how your family liked New York."

I smiled. Spencer was perfect for me. Spencer, not Justin. Anyone who knew me could see that Spencer was the type of the guy that I should keep around. He was intelligent (Harvard University like Matt Damon), he read the same books and knew the same banal trivia as I (he's the only person I know who can name all the presidents in alphabetic order), and he was normal. Spencer and I could walk down the street and not worry about time of day, disguises, or flashing cameras. I especially liked the no camera-thing…and it was a definite plus to be able to sign on to my computer and find that there were no Anti-Spencer-Laney-couple websites like it was a poll for Election Day.

"Laney?"

"Sorry…my mind is elsewhere."

"Are you still worrying about Justin? I'm sure-"

"I don't want to talk about Justin, okay?" I snapped. I immediately apologized, "Sorry. I just…he's…I hate him."

"You don't hate him, Laney."

"You don't understand. He's a selfish bastard," I moaned into the phone. My eyes shot open when I started to remember the kiss. I jumped out of bed and paced around my room, "I just…he's ruined everything, ya know?"

"Not really."

I ignored Spencer's reply as I continued to pace and tried to comprehend everything, "Well, he has. He turned us into some goddamn cliché. He gave me no warning at all-he didn't bring it up slowly or give me the decency of any warning signs. He blurted it out there and I was supposed to be happy about it? What the hell is wrong with him?"

"Laney, am I supposed to know what you're talking about? Is this one of those relationship things where I should be able to read your mind?"

Relationship things? I wasn't sure what that meant, but I didn't think so. And I definitely didn't want to bring it up with Spencer. Everyone always assumed there were hidden passions between Justin and I and they were wrong. Justin was wrong. And if I mentioned anything to Spencer, he would wonder if I was in love with Justin. With the way my day was going, he would tell me to take some time and figure out my feelings. I hated the word feelings. No, I had to be subtle about this. I had to deflect attention away from Justin.

I took a few fortifying breaths, trying to maintain some illusion of calm and collected, and replied, "No, it's nothing. It's between me and Justin and I'd rather not get into it."

Spencer didn't say anything and he finally replied, "Okay…are you sure you're going to be okay? Do you want me to talk to Justin about-"

"NO WAY!" I shouted. Yes, that was subtle. I certainly sounded like I was hiding something now and I wasn't sure why I didn't tell Spencer. Logically, it would make more sense to explain what had occurred and maybe get the male viewpoint to put it all into perspective. Maybe this was a normal guy step in the recovery from the break-up of a long-term relationship. There was no way it was anything else. Justin couldn't be in love with me. I wasn't the type of girl that he was meant to date. Britney had been perfect for him-she was beautiful, in the spotlight, and she knew how to react around the fans and other celebrities. I wasn't like that. It went back to my old philosophy of oil and water. Justin and I didn't mix.

"Uh…okay. I won't say anything."

"Good. It's just…I don't want to ruin your budding friendship with our problems. He's basically your boss," I managed languidly. Hello? Where had my personality disappeared to?

Spencer laughed, "It's okay, Laney. I might be able to get up to New York next week for a quick visit."

"Actually, I've got finals in three weeks. I need to focus on that," I lied. I knew that if Spencer were around me before I had a chance to get command of the situation, he would be able to see everything portrayed on my face. Spencer would look at me, point, and yell out, "You love him." I fiddled with the antennae on my phone and said, "I'm sorry, Spence. I-if you're here I won't get my studying done and I can't afford to get behind."

"It's fine. I'll miss you-"

"Yeah. I'll miss you too," I said. I wasn't sure if I had said it because it was expected or if I actually missed him. I thought I missed him. I thought I had finally put my issues with relationships and dating aside. I was ready to plunge ahead with Spencer. And then Justin made his amorous confessions.

"I guess I'll have to come up with something extra special for your birthday when you return."

"Spence, you don't have to do anything-"

"I want to do something, Laney. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Actually I've developed the worst headache in the world. I think I'm going to overdose on Tylenol PM and get some sleep," I said, rubbing my temples for effect like Spencer could see.

"I'll let you go then. Call me if you need a study break."

"I-sure will…" I said.

"Goodnight."

"Bye," I said. I hung up the phone and dropped it on the bed like it was contaminated.

I hurried into the bathroom and reached for my bottle of aspirin. My stomach would one day hate me, but I downed four of them and cupped a handful of water from the spigot. I stared at myself in the mirror. Considering the chewing and restlessness, the strands were tame and fell right back into place. My overall appearance was average-I tried to imagine myself on Justin's arm, not sure why, and I couldn't picture it. Justin belonged with a long, sleek blonde with amazing skin and eyes that radiated. I was this blasé girl who sort of hung there like a boy-not even a cute boy.

I sat down on the toilet and slid down to the floor. The tiling was cold and clashed with my roommate's bathroom frog carpet and toilet cover. Our bathroom was like a tiny home for frog ceramics; the shelves cluttered with different frog miniatures. One day I half-expected to return to find Kermit the Frog sitting on the ledge of the toilet strumming his guitar and bellowing out a soulful rendition of "It Ain't Easy Being Green." I sat there, forgetting the possible roaches and diseases from living with a slob, and felt my eyes brim with tears. I groaned and pushed the rogue drops aside. I told myself, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry…

A few more tears fell and I wasn't sure why. I lifted my knees to my chest and tried to muffle the cries that had escaped. There was nothing I hated more than crying-I always felt so weak and out of control. But I couldn't get a hold of my emotions. I was so frazzled and unsure of everything. Justin had thrown my world upside down. In the course of one evening, he had changed everything and it made me question our whole friendship. Before I was overcome with a deluge of unwanted sobs, the phone rang. I crawled towards my phone, unable to stand myself up and bear a glimpse at my slovenly reflection in the mirror as I passed by.

I knew how pathetic I must have seemed. If my roommate walked in while I was a blubbery mess, crawling towards a phone, she would've called our resident advisor and gotten me love counseling. (Yes, one of the stupid freshmen in my building had her high school boyfriend dump her harshly for a professor at his school and she responded by gashing her wrists with a Lady BIC. Now we have love counseling-will wonders never cease?) I reached for my phone, bruising my leg on one of my shoes, and turned it on.

"Yeah?"

"Melanie Jane, whatever you do, do NOT turn on Access Hollywood…and I'd stay away from the Internet for a while too," Steph's voice filtered through the receiver.

My hands immediately reached upwards on to my dresser for the television remote. I turned it on as a picture of Lance and myself leaving a party flashed across the screen and it went to commercial. I groaned, "What the hell did I miss?"

Steph clicked her tongue, "I told you not to turn it on."

"If someone calls you and says not to do something, you immediately do it. Those are the rules. Now what happened?" I asked harshly as I propped myself up against the bed, my hair splashed across the covers and created some sort of Ode to Long Hair portrait, and stared at some commercial for cat food.

"Okay, don't freak out, but Access Hollywood just reported that you and Lance Bass are officially an item-but that none of his people could be reached for a comment…"

I jumped off the ground with sudden fuming energy and shrieked, "WHAT?"

"I thought you weren't going to freak out-"

"Steph, WHAT?"

"Sources said that you two were extremely cozy at one of the Oscar after-parties and that an NYU freshman, that would be you, snagged the last single Nsync guy up. At least it's Lance right? You could do much worse-they could've thought it was Justin-"

"Don't mention his name to me," I turned off my television and moaned, "This is terrible!"

"It'll blow over in a week or so…I wanted to warn you that people will now associate you with Nsync for a bit."

I couldn't control anything anymore. In one night all the power I had over my life was ripped from my grasp and it was all Justin's fault. I shook my head and tried to deny the tears that were welling up. I would not cry. I definitely wouldn't cry while I was on the phone with Steph. She would call my sister and I would be forced to explain and everything would be even more jumbled than it was already. I pushed everything off my nightstand in a frustrated snit and replied, "It doesn't matter. Justin and I aren't even friends anymore."

"What? Laney, I know that he was wrong, but-"

"You don't get it. It's done. I'm fine with it."

"Liar."

"Well, I will be fine with it. So everyone who tries to use me to get to Justin or Lance is going to be saddened to find out that it's too late," I replied with an extra toughness to my voice that wasn't at all believable. I turned on my radio, getting lost in the words of Ani Difranco, and added, "And don't even ask. It was a long time coming, ya know? You used to tell me in high school that Justin and I had nothing in common and we don't. He's in a different league than I am. It's like Rob Lowe dating Margaret Cho."

"It wouldn't work out because of last names. Who would want to be Margaret Cho-Lowe? Sounds like a bad breakfast cereal…"

"You're missing the point, Steph," I replied brusquely.

"I believe it since I have absolutely no idea why Margaret Cho would want to date Rob Lowe. He hardly seems like her type. He's a pretty boy."

"Exactly. Different leagues-but maybe Margaret Cho likes her potential men. Think about it."

"What am I thinking about?"

My brain was pounding out information a mile a minute and I blathered on, "Seriously…I think that we attract people that are our equals in some way. There is a reason smart people tend to date smart people and beautiful people tend to date beautiful people…sure, occasionally, there is one utterly-annoying exception to the rule, but overall, we date people on our level."

"Laney, you need to get a grip. You aren't even dating Lance. It will blow over. Lance will be seen at a party, or some nosy DJ will ask him about it and he'll deny it. The end, story done."

I shook my head fervently, forgetting Steph couldn't see me, and continued, "Margaret Cho probably dates funny guys because they're more like her…more logical…but god forbid Justin understand the meaning of logical!" I stopped speaking and started to hum along with Ani. I tried to block out Steph who was awaiting explanations for my behavior that I didn't have, the world who would now know me as some Nsync girl, and Justin who didn't know me half as well as I thought he did. I sang out, "Sleep walking through the all-nite drug store, baptized in fluorescent light…I found religion in the greeting card aisle, now I know hallmark was right…"

Steph made her voice louder as she tried to drown out my terrible harmonizing, "Melanie Jane, what is going on with you? Yeah, I might have told you that you and Justin have nothing in common, but you've never listened to me before and I find it a tad hard to believe you suddenly woke up ready to dissolve an eight-year friendship."

"It's been a long time coming. He's gotten too idiotic for even me to tolerate. The differences in our lives are too obvious anymore."

"They've always been obvious. He's a celebrity and you're not. He's got girls that flock to his feet who would do whatever he wants and you're more likely to endure his long-winded rambles and start an argument rather than go along with him. But it didn't seem to matter to either of you before. You guys have your movies and a relationship I don't think anyone quite understands…including the two of you."

"Watching movies isn't enough for Justin. He has to turn his life into one. Well I'm sorry but Mr. Hotshit Popstar is on his own this time. I won't be his fucking distraction from his emotional dependency problems."

"Mr. Hotshit Popstar? Okay, what is going on?"

This was something that would take hours and at least three pints of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream. It would have to wait. "Nothing. Look Steph. I've gotta go. My roommate has returned and we're running to the store. Later," I replied and hung up the phone without giving her a chance to probe any further.

I turned my ringer off, unready to deal with anymore people, and threw my phone across the room. The batteries fell out, landing on the floor amongst the other things from my tantrum. It looked like a disaster area-broken CD cases, a small bottle cracked and leaking out an almost-popouri fragrance, and keys all covered the wooden paneling of the floor. It would wait until morning.

I fell on my bed and sang along with Ani. If I sang and kept my mind concentrated on the music reverberating through the speakers, I wouldn't think about Justin or the new predicament with Lance or how everything was spiraling out of control.

"…And every pop song on the radio…is suddenly speaking to me…art may imitate life, but life imitates t.v…"

I tried to keep my mind from wandering back to Justin, but in fairness, what else was I supposed to do? He had told me he loved me. Part of me was confused. He had never showed any interest in me at all. He always called me his little buddy and rarely even acknowledged that I was a girl.

"…'Cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks…two weeks and three days…and let's just say that things look different now…different in so many ways…"

Another part of me of me was worried. Justin had seemed so sincere…and I wasn't sure what to make of that. He really believed he was in love with me, but it couldn't be true. We both knew it couldn't be true.

"…I used to be a superhero…no one could touch me…not even myself…you are like a phone booth…that I somehow stumbled into…and now look at me…I am just like everybody else…"

Then there was this small part--and I do mean small…miniscule…barely-a-part tiny---of me that was flattered. Sure, Justin was no John Cusack or Matt Damon but he has his handsome moments and, despite severe romantic issues, he was also a really good guy with a decent sense of humor. A girl, if she weren't completely plain and looking for something entirely different, would be lucky to have Justin show an interest in her.

"…If I was dressed in my best defenses…would you agree to meet me for coffee…if I did my tricks with smoke and mirrors…would you still know which one was me…"

But that part of me was pretty much annihilated by the largest chunk of my mind. I was enraged, frustrated, and wishing evil things upon him for putting this on me. Both he and I knew he would outgrow this sudden fixation within a few days-why couldn't he keep it to himself? Why did he have to share his feelings with me? Why did he have to take my best friend away from me?

I gripped the fabric of my quilt and stared blankly at the ceiling. I glanced in the direction of the door when I heard voices and turned the music up louder. If it were possible, I would've loved to sink into the mattress and disappear. I hoped the egg cartons would surround me and camouflage me from the world outside while the pillows stood guard like something out of a fairy tale.

"…If I was naked and screaming…on your front lawn…would you turn on the light and come down…screaming, there's the asshole who did this to me…stripped me of my power, stripped me down…"

Our relationship wasn't perfect. We both had severe issues to deal with, but it worked. We were buddies and he had to go and ruin it. He had to snatch his friendship away from me because he was confusing his affection for someone with love. He always did that, but he wasn't supposed to use his melodramatic over-exaggerations on me.

You see Justin was constantly meeting a girl at some party or the mall or at a restaurant and he believed that she was going to be the one. I was so used to hearing it that I could recite his encounters from memory…it started with Veronica and continued with every beautiful girl he met and then discarded. Something better always came along.

Justin was regularly finding true love over a book wrack at Barnes and Noble and then when it ended badly, he would shrug and comment, "I thought she was the one, but I was wrong. Megan is definitely the girl of my dreams."

Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that story? Insert random names like Desiree and Cleo, span it out over a five-year time frame, and that would be Justin's love life. In two weeks, something better would grab Justin's attention and he'd forget he ever declared his romantic intentions towards me--but I wasn't sure we could ever go back to friends like we had been before.

I love how she goes on about my love life like I don't know anything about it. What Laney Jane is neglecting to mention is that I didn't know those girls at all. It's easy to say you're in love with someone when you don't know her most frustrating traits. I knew how hardheaded and stubborn Laney could be about anything remotely involving emotional attachment. I knew that getting her to even consider me as anything other than Buddy Justin would be damn near impossible. I think it should've proved the validity of my feelings.

Why would it prove the validity of your feelings, moron? Justin has an obsession with being in love. What can you say about obsessions? They're the equivalent of the Navy Seals in the armed forces. It's a secret group that hits hard with the element of surprise. Just when you think you're strong enough and safe, obsession bursts through your window with bombs exploding and guns blazing. Obsessions result in casualties and I had suddenly become Justin's newest obsession. You used your regular ammo, Justin. You declared your intentions and watched in amazement as chaos broke loose. It was no different than the seven hundred other times you were in love.

Laney for God's sake, why do you always have to dissect every word and action? My feelings for you were completely different than anything I may or may not have felt before and could hardly be mistaken for an obsession. I know I probably didn't handle everything right and making some mindless ultimatum was pretty dumb, but I was new at this.

It was the first time I was ever really in love. If I acted strange and made an ass of myself, it was because I wasn't sure what to do. Sue me. Love is a strange thing and I'm still realizing how bizarre it can be. It's either there or it isn't. You can question it, analyze it, and talk around it all you want, but it won't make it anymore real. If it's real, you know it. It's a feeling in your gut that radiates out to your limbs craving to touch the person, to your lips wanting to kiss the person, and your mind can't contemplate this person not being in your life. That's love. That's what I feel for Laney Jane.

I know I had a habit of jumping the gun a bit in the past. All those times before, I wanted to be in love. I wanted to completely give my heart to a girl, but something was always off. It used to be that a girl said my name, let it linger a bit, and I was enamored with her. I figured that's how it was supposed to work; but I always lost interest or they got sick of my leaving them to hang out with Laney Jane or go on tour and it never worked out.

I was beginning to realize that I had always hoped that one day Laney and I would be together. But, let me tell ya, all this talk about it being easier when you know the person is a crock of shit. As proven by Laney's response, it's more of a hassle than anything else.

Loving Laney had thrown me for a loop. I had known her for a good portion of my life---a girl who knew everything about my lifestyle and how I really acted---and she still chose to be around me. I should have thought of her like a sister rather than a potential girlfriend, but thinking back, it made perfect sense. Laney Jane wasn't using me for my name, she saw how regular I could be at times, and she knew my faults. Despite complaints and despise for my public life, she had stuck it out and she was one of the few people I counted on.

She keeps hollering why? Well, why the hell not? There are reasons that movies and television shows use the best friend premise. It's because it happens. It's because this person knows you better than anyone else does. There is vulnerability and trust and caring involved. And add to it the classic bickering that Laney and I had perfected throughout the years, and I wonder how neither of us had noticed it before now.

But I couldn't make Laney Jane see that. She was so stuck on my past---on all those other girls that I had sworn I loved---to realize that she was all I ever wanted. She couldn't see past Britney and Kylie and Jessica and get it through her thick skull that no girl could make me smile the way she could. It was like she was incapable of believing that I would want her in my life as anything more than my childhood friend.

I wasn't a completely selfish prick either. I knew she would be scared. Hell, I was scared. And I understood her issues with my fame and public persona. There was nothing I could do about it. Normal wasn't something I would ever have in my life on a day-to-day basis, but my love for her was about as normal as it got. I needed her. I wanted her in my life in a more than friendly way…and I had a feeling that I could make all of the screaming fans and photographers seem almost obsolete if she would give me the chance.

Instead, she was choosing Spencer---a guy she had only known for a few months---over me. She was hiding behind him like I had hidden behind Britney. Laney was using Spencer to avoid dealing with our stuff and she had basically tied my hands together. There was nothing I could do. She made her decision.

"If I should stay…I would only be in your way …So I'll go, but I know…I'll think of you every step of the way…And I will always love you…I will always love you…"

I had the song on repeat play in my car as I made my way to WEG. When had this happened to me? I was relying on weepy love songs to get me through a day without picking up a phone and calling Laney Jane. It had been one week. One week, eleven hours, and thirty-five minutes, but who was counting? Over seven full days had passed since I had made my intentions clear and I still hadn't heard anything from Laney.

I refused to be the one to give in on this. I didn't think that it was crazy of me to expect Laney to make the next move. She should've called me. She should've apologized for being such a bitch and not believing me and breaking my heart. There was no way I was calling her. No fucking way. I hadn't done anything wrong. I was in love with her and she deserved to know that, and I deserved better after our long friendship than to have her blow me off like I was some random nutcase bothering her on the streets. So after counting every crack on my hotel room ceiling that night, I decided I wasn't going to bother her. I wasn't going to apologize…and I definitely wasn't going to take it back. Everything was in Laney's court now.

"…Bitter sweet memories…that is all I'm taking with me…So goodbye, please don't cry…We both know I'm not what you need… I will always love you…I will always love you…"

Of course, so far, it hadn't worked out like I hoped.

I parked my car in front of the rehearsal building and sat there for minute. I listened to Whitney sing out about eternal love and fought hard not to rip my CD player from the console and throw it out the window.

"…I hope life treats you kind…And I hope you have all you dreamed of…And I'm wishing you joy and happiness…But above all this, I'm wishing you love…"

I heard a knocking at my window. I turned off the car and opened the door without warning. Chris fell backwards and looked up at me through his mirrored sunglasses. I could see the reflection of my own blue-tinted shades staring back at me, and the grimace on my face made me sick. I was turning into some crotchety hermit wronged by a woman.

Chris shook his head, "The Bodyguard? You're playing music from The Bodyguard? I think Laney is right about you. You're a big girl sometimes."

"Shut up, Chris. I don't want to talk about her."

"Oh right. The no-mentioning-Laney bellows that you hollered at yesterday's rehearsal…I forgot."

"She doesn't want me, so I don't want her."

"That's mature."

I shrugged noncommittally, "Well, I'm over her. She had her chance and she blew it."

"Fucking liar."

"And you're a pain in my ass."

Chris smirked, "Doesn't make you any less of a liar. If Laney showed up here right now and said she loved you-"

"I'm over it," I lied. I swung my duffel bag over my shoulder and headed inside the building. For the next twelve to fifteen hours I would be able to pretend like Laney didn't exist and actually believe it. I could get caught up in the songs and dances and not notice Spencer hanging out in the main area discussing business with Johnny. I could act like everything was fine. Sure, the minute the music stopped and I was on my way home, everything came flying back because everything in Orlando reminded me of Laney Jane and things that she and I did for fun.

I glanced back at Chris and said, "Besides, hell is more likely to freeze over then for Laney to wake up in love with me. It was a huge mistake on my part to tell her. So please let it go and allow me to get caught up in the stress of a tour hanging over our heads in three weeks."

Chris ran up next to me, "We have a meeting with Spencer this morning about our McDonalds gig. He's got new information."

I rolled my eyes as I removed my sunglasses and said, "You guys can handle it. I want to go over those steps to Space Cowboy with Wade."

"Justin, you can't blow off a meeting because Laney's boyfriend will be there," Chris caught me glaring at him and shrugged, "Oops, mentioned her name again, didn't I?"

"It doesn't matter. There will be plenty of beautiful girls on tour that will make things all better," I said. I wasn't sure who I was trying to kid but I was nowhere near over Laney Jane.

Chris folded his arms. "You can't win her over if you don't try."

"I thought you told me the next step was to play hard to get."

"Hard to get, not hard in the head," Chris countered. He pushed opened the door of the rehearsal room and plopped down on the sofa next to Joey. He nudged Joey in the side and said, "You try talking to him."

"Justin, you'll never get the girl with this kind of attitude," Joey said without looking away from his Gameboy.

"The girl doesn't want to be got," I snapped. I dropped my bag and started to stretch. I groaned when Spencer approached with a ton of papers. Lance and JC followed behind him and I said, "Can't this wait?"

"Sorry guys. I know you need to rehearse-"

I glared at him, "So let us rehearse then."

I knew everyone was staring at us and Spencer shrugged, "Unfortunately this has to be done now. I have a meeting with the corporate guys and they need to know your demands."

"Our demands?" I asked incredulously. I looked at the others who were moving their eyes from me to Spencer and I went on, "What are we doing? Robbing them?"

"Well-" Chris started.

I cut him off, "I'm interested in knowing what we can get out of this deal. What can you get us, Spence?"

"Uh…well, the basics are already covered. Johnny said you guys had worked everything out as far-"

"So you don't know. Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"Justin, that's enough," JC spoke up.

"I think it's a fair question, JC. We're entrusting our business to this guy and he doesn't know-"

JC stepped over in front of me, blocking Spencer from my view and evil eye. He kicked my sneaker and said, "I told you that was enough." JC turned and took one of the papers from Spencer, glancing over it with a pleased grin, "We could seriously have free Big Macs for the rest of our lives? I like the sound of that."

Joey laughed as he dropped his Gameboy on the leather cushion and grabbed one of the papers from Spencer as well. He replied, "JC will be taking all his hot dates to McDonalds from now on."

JC shrugged, "What girl can pass up a free Happy Meal?"

"Wonderful. While you guys work this out, I'm going to hunt down Wade," I interrupted still stung from JC's scolding and annoyed by the joking that was my friends. I glared at Spencer and stormed out of the room.

JC called out, "J, what are you doing?"

"Whatever you guys decide is fine by me," I said as I slammed the door shut behind me. I didn't want to be around stupid Spencer and his dumb smile and his oh-so-smart intelligence.

I started walking down the hall and when I saw Johnny, I turned to hide before he could yell that I was missing a meeting. I smacked right into Spencer. What was it about this guy? He was almost as persistent as some of my fans were.

I pushed him back, "Could you watch where you're going?"

"Justin, I know you're having problems with Laney-"

"She told you that?" I asked, resisting the urge to push him again. This was basically a nightmare. Spencer was in my face talking about Laney like he was closer to her than I ever would be.

"Well, not exactly, but she…I know things are tense between the two of you. She's trying to keep me out of it and I was hoping you could do the same."

I was now experiencing the emotion of hatred. Who the hell did he think he was? Keep him out of it? This was all his fault!

"Keep you out of it?" I started to laugh harshly. I shook my head, "Spencer, do me a favor and get a god damn clue!"

"What?"

"Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours. Fair enough?" I replied. I didn't wait for an answer. I walked off towards the rehearsal room. I opened the door and pointed to the sign over the window and explained, "In case you were wondering, closed rehearsal means no interruptions."

Yeah, I know. I was acting like a jackass. None of this was really Spencer's fault. He was interested in Laney. I can't say that I blamed him. She was an amazing find, but she was supposed to be my find. After all, I had almost nine years invested in the girl.

"Not cool, Justin. Not cool at all," JC said the minute I returned.

"I don't care."

"Well, you better. You represent all of us when you act like a spoiled brat and I don't want any parts of it," JC replied coolly.

Chris put his arm around me and said, "Cut the kid a break. He was an ass, but he's working on it. Right Justin?"

I shrugged, "Whatever man. I need to stretch." I started to walk off, but Chris pulled me right back next to him.

JC rolled his eyes and waved me off like I was the problem child being passed to the principal for punishment. Chris's grip tightened and he motioned for me to move over to the corner. I obliged grudgingly and Chris stated, "This needs to stop."

"What?"

"A week of bratty Justin is plenty. None of us need this right now. We're all feeling the strain of the upcoming tour and your personal issues with Spencer are pushing us over the edge."

I shrugged, "I told you-"

"Yeah, you're over it. So lose the 'tude with Spencer when it comes to our business. Got it?" I nodded and Chris went on, "I can't make you do anything you don't want to, Justin. But here's the thing: you don't want to fight for what is rightfully yours, then suck it up and move on."

My eyes widened and I tried to defend myself, "Of all people-"

"Look J. I'm your friend, but this has to stop. If you're going to start a war with Spencer, make sure he knows what's the what; otherwise you seem like an obnoxious star with an ego problem. And it won't look good to Laney if he's complaining that you're a jackass."

"Laney doesn't care about me, remember?"

"Great…we're still in the wallowing stage," Chris glanced back over to where Wade had entered the room and was motioning for us to get on the dance floor. The other guys started to stretch out and Chris sighed, "It's up to you, Justin. Is Laney worth fighting for?"

"She doesn't want me. She walked off. She just walked off."

"So?"

"So I have my pride."

"Pride won't get you the girl, stupid. You should be using this whole Lance/Laney thing to your advantage. You should be bombarding the girl with your stupid self rather than giving her time to blow it off as an act of insanity on your part that you regret," Chris hit me in the side with his elbow, "…but whatever. It's up to you. Lose the attitude."

I nodded in understanding and joined the others for rehearsal. For the next few hours I needed to get my mind concentrated on our tour and the other four guys in that room. JC was right. What I did represented all of them in a way and I owed it to them to be perfect. I may have let one friend down, but I wasn't going to let the others down too.

I was able to get caught up in the dance moves and the achy tired feeling radiating from my heels for the rest of the day. We would crack jokes occasionally, but it was pretty much non-stop work. It felt good to be working and clearing my mind of everything. There was something about the rhythm of music that made it nearly impossible to worry about anything else. In a way, it was kinda like love-the notes consume you and all you can think about is the highs and lows and the consistency of the melody.

"Okay guys. I think we should call it a night," Wade announced about nine hours later. He slapped me on the back and added, "You're doing great…but I'm losing you all to the rising moon."

Chris collapsed on the ground. "I'm too old for this shit."

"Thank you for those wise words, Danny Glover," I smirked, downing the last of my Gatorade. I clutched my stomach and said, "Anyone interested in grabbing a pizza?"

"I'm meeting a few people for dinner," JC called out.

"I'm heading out clubbing and I'm dragging Lance along," Joey added.

I kicked at Chris's leg and said, "That leaves you, pops."

Chris sat up and replied, "Dani is flying in tonight. I promised her that I would actually pick her up myself-well, with Eric of course."

I helped Chris up off the floor and said, "We can give the women in our lives almost anything and they want the one thing we have no control over."

Chris shrugged, "It's all about compromise, J. I can't be there when she nails an audition, but I can drag my ass to the airport at five am and meet her at her gate. You do what you can and they appreciate it more than you know."

"Not Laney…I don't think she'd ever be happy with my lifestyle. Maybe I should just…even if she does love me…she will never handle the fans and the publicity well."

"No. She'll bitch and moan that she would love to be left alone once and awhile, grumble at her computer screen things like 'you try to look camera-worthy on two hours of sleep, bitch', learn to put up with it, and move on. Laney's tolerated it so far. So don't go all 'if you love something, let it go' on me here," Chris replied. He grabbed his backpack and keys from the table and started out towards the darkened sky.

I grabbed my own bag and followed him outside. It was a nice evening. Calm and cool. It was a big contrast to the noise going on in my head about everything in my life. I opened my car door and Chris extended his hand. I slapped his hand and he rolled his eyes, "While I always enjoy high-fives, hand it over."

"What are you talking about?"

"No more wallowing, remember?" Chris said, his hand still extended.

I grumbled under my breath and handed him The Bodyguard soundtrack. Chris flung it over his head and I watched Joey's car tires run it over and break it. My jaw tightened and Chris smiled innocently, "Oops."

"I should kick your-"

"I think you should call Laney. I think you should make sure she knows that you were serious about your feelings. Think of Laney like you would any potential girlfriend. Follow the rules of the guy book and you should be fine."

"The guy book?" I questioned. I smiled when I remembered the time that Laney and I watched Swingers. She told me that I should take notes from Vince Vaughn on how to approach a potential date---always wait three days to call so as not to seem completely lacking in a social life or too needy---but I was much more like the character of Mike. I would babble about eight messages into a girl's answering machine trying to get the words out just right and ended up humiliating myself. When was I going to learn?

"Yes, Justin, the unwritten rules that we, as men, live by. Call her. When asked what you're doing, do not disclose that you are doing 'nothing'. No one likes a pathetic loser with no friends or life of their own…at the same time, you need to make it abundantly clear that all the fun you are having is meaningless without her there. It has to be clear to her that there is the potential for even more fun if she were around. Follow?"

I sighed and mumbled, "Let it go, Chris."

"Fine. I'm off to meet my lady. See ya tomorrow, J."

"Later," I said. I started my car and realized I had left my house keys on the table. I left the car running and hurried back into the studio. I slammed right into Spencer for a second time that day, muttered an apology, and ran in to get my keys.

When I came back out Spencer was picking up papers I must have knocked out of his arms. I groaned and bent down to help him. I handed him some of the sheets and said, "Sorry. I left my car running and I forgot my house keys."

"Not a problem."

I nodded and started to walk off. I turned back around and said, "Spencer, I'm sorry about earlier. It was highly unprofessional of me to throw a tantrum and you don't need to bear the brunt of that. It won't happen again."

Spencer shrugged, "It's forgotten."

I nodded again and broke out into a light jog towards my car. It surprised me that after a grueling rehearsal I could walk, but here I was running. Spencer called out from the door, "Justin?"

I groaned and hopped in my car. I wasn't going to be a jerk. I wasn't going to be a jerk. But with my long day and lack of patience where Spencer was concerned, I wasn't sure how long it would last. I put the window down and said, "Yeah?"

"What's going on with you and Laney? I know…I don't want to come between the two of you. If you think I'm trying to-I care about her and she cares about you. I don't think she'll forgive me if I drive you away," Spencer replied carefully.

I turned on my radio hoping the music would have a calming affect on me. I didn't want to blow up at Spencer again. Chris was right. It wouldn't accomplish anything and he wasn't the person I was mad at. I was mad at myself and I was really mad at Laney Jane. I glanced at Spencer momentarily and shrugged, "It doesn't matter, man."

"Okay, well, I might be overstepping my boundaries here, but…can I still count on you to help me find her a gift? I'll understand if you-"

I banged my head against my steering wheel and peeked out at him. Was this some sort of test from God? Was I supposed to be the bigger man here? I shook my head and said, "Did Laney even mention why we were fighting?"

"Not really, but I figured it was about this Lance stuff."

I laughed mirthlessly. I met Spencer's confused expression. I sighed, "I can't help you with Laney's gift because…" my voice trailed off. I caught Chris and Johnny watching me with the pretense of talking to one another in the distance. Chris gave me a thumb's up like I was supposed to know what that meant. "I can't help you with Laney's gift," I finished.

"It's okay. I was hoping-you know her better than anyone else. I wish I could get through to her the way you do, but-"

"Trust me. I don't get through to Laney."

Spencer laughed, "Justin, I don't think you know how important you are to her. Sometimes I think I'm competing with this perfect image she has of you in her head."

Was I hearing things? Spencer was the perfect one. I had to be hallucinating. I asked, "What?"

"It's nothing…I think you underestimate your role in her life," Spencer tapped his fingers on the my side-view mirror and added quickly, "Don't get me wrong. I know you guys are friends, but she cares about you. I'd hate to see her lose her best friend because of me."

Oh this was great. He had to be a nice fucking guy, didn't he? He had to actually care about Laney and appear to be this cool person. I mean, as much as you hate the idea of someone you care about dating an ass, there is something really good about it. Your gal pal that you're digging on goes on and on about her boyfriend's heroin problem, possessiveness, and volatile temper, and as the friend you get to comfort her in all your stable-good-guy-ways. Why, the more terrible the boyfriend is, the more you like him. The more you think, "Buddy, you're my new best friend. Thanks for the help with the girl." So you see, it would have made things so much easier if he was a fucking prick or some obnoxious loser, but he wasn't. He was St. Spencer the Understanding. Most guys would be pushing to get me out of Laney's life and Spencer was practically offering to help fix things between the two of us. I felt like I was trapped in an episode of The Waltons with John-boy himself.

A nobler guy probably would've admitted defeat. He would've seen that Spencer cared about Laney and could give her everything she wanted in the world.

But I was never very good at being selfless.

And I started thinking about what Spencer was saying. Laney cared about me. Laney loved me. And she had kissed me back.

How had I forgotten that in all my pathetic floundering in the past week? I had lost sight of that one thing-that major, major thing. Laney Jane had kissed me back. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't have kissed me back. If she didn't feel even a little bit of what I felt for her, she would have told Spencer and had a good laugh at my expense.

I don't know why it took hearing Spencer admit that he knew I was important to Laney to pull me out of my funk, but it worked. I smiled brightly, my mind deluged with ideas and plans and said, "Spencer, I could kiss you." When I realized what I said, I added, "But you're not my type and yeah…nevermind."

"Did I miss something?"

I removed my key from the ignition and got out of my car. I patted Spencer on the arm and said, "I think you need to know something."

"Okay…"

"The reason I can't help you find a gift for Laney Jane…" I paused and glanced back towards the house. Lance had joined Chris and Johnny and all eyes were on Spencer and me. I took a deep breath and said, "…I'm in love with Laney."

Spencer stood there. He didn't say anything. He didn't appear at all affected by the words I had uttered. My grin grew broader and I continued, "See…I didn't realize it until you were already around but…that's not important. What's important is that I'm in love with Laney Jane. I told her how I felt, but she was freaked out. I've been letting my stupid male pride stand in my way of going after what I want…but you helped me realize that I should---"

Spencer punched me in the face, taking me completely off guard, and I fell backwards. Spencer shook his arm and stormed off back into the building. I laid there on the ground, clutching my eye, when two hands went under my arms and pulled me up. I saw Chris standing there with devious grin through my good eye. I groaned, "He fucking punched me. I'm pretty sure I could have him fired for that, the goddamn asshole!"

"Yeah, but you won't."

I shook my head and admitted, "Nah, I deserved it."

"You told him, huh?"

"It seems like it. I had this spurt of insanity and it kinda slipped out."

Lance rushed over with a bag of ice. He handed it to me and asked, "Does this mean you're over this ultimatum thing and are going after Laney?"

I winced as the ice touched my eye and nodded, "She kissed me back."

"She gets home in a week and a half. That gives you plenty of time between rehearsals to think up something amazing," Lance replied.

"I'm going to need to enlist some help if I want this to work," I groaned when I pulled the ice away. I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror and said, "He packs a good wallop. I'm seeing two of Chris and there will be no way to hide the swelling around my eye."

"Let's leave your keys with Johnny. I'll drive you home," Lance offered.

"I need to stop somewhere," I replied.

Chris patted me on the back, "You did the right thing. Even playing fields are good-and he's going to say something to Laney…now she'll know you're serious."

"She's going to spit fire is what she's going to do and that's why I'm going to need help," I replied. I nodded towards his car and added, "Don't you have a girlfriend to pick up?"

"Yeah. I'm waiting for Eric to get here so we can vamanos," Chris paused and laughed. When Lance and I looked at him, he shrugged, "Sorry, I was just picturing you falling backwards again. Funny stuff."

"Wonderful. My face is happy to provide you with entertainment."

"You made a play for his girlfriend, J. He wasn't going to be happy about it," Chris replied.

I grinned stupidly and said, "But she kissed me back."

"We get it. Laney kissed you back," Lance commented as he yanked on my arm.

"No, you don't get it. Spencer told me that…I'm her perfect guy. Add to that the fact that she kissed me back. She loves me too, doesn't she?" I thought aloud as Lance directed me back to the studio. I hugged Lance and said, "You don't know what kind of relief this is. I was trying to figure out how I could ever see another movie without thinking of Laney and everything I lost---"

Lance pulled out of the hug and said, "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"You're not hearing me, Lance. Don't you see? She kissed me back-she does love me. I need to force her to admit it to herself and then…damn, I'll get another kiss. She kisses like nothing I've ever experienced in my life…" I rambled out with this stupid, cheesy smile.

Chris waved his hand in front of my face and said, "Earth to Froboy, come in Froboy." I hugged Chris too, not sure where all this excitement had come from. I was still going to have my work cut out for me with convincing Laney Jane of my feelings. But there was a positive. There was some hope. Chris turned to Lance when I didn't say anything and replied, "Next thing you know he's going to pull a Gene Kelly on us and start dancing around a streetlight."

"Gene Kelly…Laney loves Gene Kelly. Her favorite of his movies is An American In Paris," I replied, shaking Chris's shoulders.

Chris pried free of my grasp and said, "Okay…thanks for sharing. You do realize you've gone from completely angry and forlorn to waaaaay too energized?"

"I can't help it. If I don't keep thinking about the positives to this black eye and friendless life I'm leading, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown."

Lance nudged Chris in the shoulder, "Yeah, what he said. Plus, maybe if Justin and Laney end up together, we can get the paparazzi to stop following me around in hopes of getting pictures of me with Justin's true love."

I frowned and pointed my finger in his face, "Don't ruin my moment of bliss by reminding me of how you got her liquored up and allowed her to throw herself at Matt Damon and Ben Affleck."

Lance shook his head, "We'll be eighty-fucking-years-old and you'll still hold it over my head. I can see it now."

"Well, I asked you to do one thing. I said, 'don't give Laney any alcohol' and she-"

"I didn't give her anything," Lance said, walking up the steps to the front door of the studio.

I stopped walking abruptly and said, "Oh hell no. Spencer went in there. I'm not about to have an encore performance of his fist meets my eye. One shiner is enough."

Chris and Lance exchanged looks. I raised the ice back to my eye, hoping to avoid too much swelling on my face. I noticed Chris eyeing me over and I said, "What now?"

Chris said, "It's now time for Step Three."

"What's Step Three?"

"Now that you've given Laney a chance to mull over your romantic advances, she is now ripe for the kill."

"Huh?"

Chris glared at me and looked to Lance for help. Lance shook his head, "Don't look at me. I'm as lost as he is."

"Stupid idiots. How did your love lives survive before you knew me?"

"I was fourteen. I didn't have much of a love life," I answered.

Lance laughed and added, "I was fifteen." Lance motioned towards the studio and said, "Wait here while I get my stuff and then we'll get going."

"Regardless…" Chris pulled a piece of gum out of his pocket. He popped it in his mouth and tried to explain, "You're going to wear her down. You're going to shower her with phone calls, letters, emails, flowers, whatever your little pea-brain can think of."

"Laney hates that crap."

"Mere technicality."

"Chris, trust me. Laney will think that's further proof I don't really love her. If I treat her like every other girl, she's never going to see that she's different to me."

"Okay…bombard her with stuff she likes…" Chris trailed off as his eyes moved towards the studio. He looked at me and said, "Seriously though, you did a good thing with Spencer."

"Are you sure? He'll probably go running to Laney-"

"That's exactly what you want."

"I do?"

Chris nodded and smirked at me, "Yes, my romantically-challenged chum. One: he's going to tell Laney. She will have to believe that you're serious about this now. She knows what a big baby you are and if you weren't convinced you loved her, you wouldn't have told Spencer. Two: when we get you the girl---and we will get you the girl---you won't be paranoid that you won by default because Spencer didn't know what was going on. Telling Spencer was the smartest thing you've done since you realized your feelings."

"So what types of things should I be sending her?"

"You know Laney better than I do."

"I guess. I'm ready to do this, Chris. You were right before. I didn't get to this level of success professionally by giving up…and I'm not giving up on Laney Jane. She loves me."

Chris through his hands up in the air, "He finally gets it! Hallelujah!" Chris noticed my puzzled expression and said, "Sorry, it's…you're finally ready to put some effort into this. You're starting to think like a man on a mission. We'll get you that girl all right."

I smiled, despite the pain blazing from my face, and nodded in agreement. Laney wasn't going to stand a chance. I wasn't going to let my fear or pride stand in my way this time. She kissed me back. She wouldn't have kissed me back if she weren't feeling something. If she didn't love me, she would have pushed me away without a second glance. She would have given me some speech that started with words like "You're a wonderful guy, Justin, but…"

He's harping on the stupid kiss again. He never could let anything slide.

And you still won't admit you kissed me back, Laney Jane.

I admit I kissed you back for a very brief second or two.

Try ten.

Fine. For a brief ten seconds, I was completely out of mind and returned the kiss. That's not the point. The point is that you were jumping to assumptions about my feelings based on one fleeting moment of insanity on my part.

And needless to say, his little declaration to Spencer was a mess that I had to try and clean up. Justin never had any problems using that mouth of his and it was partly because he never had to stick around to witness the pandemonium it created. He could impart trivial little phrases like "I love you" and disappear to the next city without further regard for the situation. His newest game, telling Spencer, was just like him.

Or not at all like him-which was the worst part of the latest development in Justin's downward spiral. I'll admit it. I was a bit surprised to find out Justin had said anything to Spencer. Sure, he always opened his mouth about things he didn't understand or completely believe, but sharing his emotions? Justin rarely talked about that stuff with friends let alone someone he didn't like.

Not to mention, Justin was never one for confrontations. He hated them. When the guys decided to break their contracts with Transcon, he talked about storming into Lou's office and reaming him a new asshole, but instead of following through on his belligerent plans, Justin chose to allow Chris and JC to do most of the speaking. Justin always was a big talker. Don't get me wrong, I know he wanted to scream and let Lou know exactly what he thought of him, but it's not Justin's style. He hates letting people see that they've gotten under his skin or hurt him or have something that he wants. He's much better with quiet desperation.

And that's why I was dumbfounded by Justin's exchange of words with Spencer. He had told another person he loved me. Not only was he still harping on his love for me after a week, but he was sharing this information with other people and not just anyone, but Spencer. He had told my boyfriend that he planned to pursue me romantically. That was so not Justin's style. I was really confused, partially impressed, but mostly pissed off. Well, pissed off is putting it mildly. I wanted him dead and I wanted to be damn sure I was the one to inflict that brutal demise upon him. If Justin had been anywhere in my nearby vicinity, I would have ripped his hair out curl by curl, taken pictures, and mailed them to Julia Roberts.

And before I get a lecture on how violent I am, let me remind you that Justin had involved the world in his newest way to avoid boredom. I was convinced that the stupid bastard was out to ruin my life.

What the hell was he thinking? (I don't know why I kept asking myself a question that had no answer besides "he's fucking nuts.")

I hadn't told Spencer about anything that happened with Justin. I hadn't told anyone about our recent problems. I had mulled it over myself, tried to pretend like it didn't happen, and accepted that I now hated Justin Randall Timberlake with every fiber of my being. Was I really asking too much to expect him to do the same and keep his epiphany to himself?

Apparently.

Spencer had to hear that Justin was in love with me and I had never heard Spencer quite as upset as he was. He was always in control of his emotions-better than even I was-and he basically flipped his lid. Spencer wasn't too happy with either Justin or myself. He wanted to know why I hadn't told him what happened in the first place-no, not wanted, but more like demanded to know-and I knew he was wondering if Justin's feelings were reciprocated. This was something I didn't need at the moment with finals looming over my head, but leave it to Justin to only worry about himself in all of this.

Looking back I'm amazed I passed any of my finals. Between Justin's absurd proclamations, my newfound popularity in my building since it was discovered I was "Lance's girlfriend", and Spencer finding out about that stupid night at Lucky Changs…my mind was working overtime on managing my personal life, leaving my academic pursuits to fall to the wayside.

"I can't believe he did this. What the hell was he thinking? Oh, that's right. This is Justin we're talking about. He doesn't fucking know what thinking is."

"Laney, he obviously thought it was important for me to know this information."

"Spencer, I promise you that---"

"And he's right, but you should have told me," Spencer's voice repeated roughly for about the fifth time in the course of our fifteen-minute conversation.

"I'm sorry, okay?"

Spencer sighed into the phone and I felt extremely guilty, like I had done something wrong. I was extremely angry with Justin. Who the hell did he think he was? What did he hope to accomplish by sharing his current melodrama with Spencer? Spencer replied, "It's not okay, Laney. He completely blindsided me-he could have me fired. Do you realize that? I was so stunned and then pissed off about what he was saying. I hit him."

"You what?"

"I hit him."

"Why would you do that? Was he okay?" I bit my lip when I caught myself worrying about Justin. No. He didn't deserve my worries. He deserved to have a foot shoved up his ass. I should've been commending Spencer on a job well done. I quickly added, "Are you okay?"

"Don't worry. He's fine."

"That's not what I-"

"Maybe you didn't tell me because you feel the same way about him?"

"I didn't tell you because there is no validity to Justin's asinine declarations. You don't know him, Spencer. He does this all the time. Sure, he's never pulled it on me before, but he's always falling in love with someone. It lasts three weeks tops and then he moves on. I figured he would be over it by now."

"Laney, he's not over it and the guy was pretty sure of himself when he announced that he's in love with you and he seems convinced you feel the same way about him. A guy doesn't make up that kind of confidence."

"If there is one thing Justin has an abundance of, it's confidence. He's an egotistical ass, Spencer. It doesn't mean he's right about anything."

"Then why didn't you tell me that?" Spencer replied angrily.

I silently prayed that Justin had the good sense not to mention the kiss. I ran my hand over my eyes and replied softly, "Because it was stupid. Because Justin always wants the girl until she actually responds to his advances." Spencer didn't say anything and I continued, "I'm really sorry. I wasn't trying to…damn him to hell for this. I'm going to kick his ass next time I see him."

"You plan to see him?"

"Well, at some point…"

"Laney, I think you need to figure things out."

There it was. I knew Spencer was going to say that. I had managed to avoid crying or even thinking about it for the past week and now it was all bubbling right back to the surface. I slammed my Biology book shut-aggravated with Justin, Spencer, and the world-and replied, "I knew you would freak out about this. Justin fools everybody, including himself, into believing his feelings, but it won't last, Spencer. Trust me. I know him."

"Maybe you're too close to the situation to see what everyone else does."

"He's not in love with me…and even if he were, it doesn't change anything."

"I'm not sure…"

"I don't care about Justin like that," I replied. It wasn't a complete lie. Until this past week when I kept wondering what it would…no…I didn't want Justin's life. You couldn't love someone and want nothing to do with his life. If I had warm fuzzy feelings for the guy, I would be willing to sacrifice my own identity for him. I would throw myself at the mercy of the teenybopper gods and embrace a life on his arm. But I couldn't conceive of it. I couldn't embrace that life, so obviously I didn't love Justin.

"Are you sure? I really don't want to get caught up in some love triangle, Laney, especially when it involves my job."

"I understand your apprehension, Spencer, but there is nothing to worry about."

"Tell that to Justin."

"Believe me. I plan to. I plan to beat the crap out of him and make sure he knows exactly where he can stick it. I'm sorry he bothered you with all of this."

"You should've told me."

Yeah, yeah. I get it already. I'm a horrible person. Can we move on from this stupid sentence for more than five minutes, I thought in exasperation.

I laid my head on my desk. I was starting to sound like a broken record and it was pissing me off. Spencer had a point. I should have told him, but honestly, a part of me didn't think it was any of his business. I realized that probably wasn't the best attitude to have when entering a relationship, but I had always taken care of myself. That didn't change overnight. Spencer should've known that.

"Well, I've got an early-morning meeting tomorrow and I'm trying to get transferred back to Britney's tour."

"But I thought you liked working--"

"I do, but things are way too tense between Justin and myself for me to do my job properly…and when he finds out that you plan to keep dating me, I'd rather not be around him. Of course, I have to attempt to convince JIVE that I'd be put to better use with Britney without letting them know that it's really because Justin and I don't get along."

"This is all my fault," I said. I waited for Spencer to reassure me that none of this was my doing, but he didn't say anything. I stood up and sighed, "I really am sorry, Spencer. I didn't keep this from you to cause problems. I was trying to avoid-"

"The key word there is avoid, Laney."

"Don't yell at me," I snapped. I looked around for a friendly face, but no one was there, and said, "I'm not avoiding anything."

"I'm not sure I believe you."

I groaned, "Well, what would you have me do? Call Doctor Laura and ask her how to handle things? Or would you prefer I request 'Bye, Bye, Bye' on TRL with a message that reads 'I heart you, Spencer. It's Bye, Bye, Bye to Justin because he doesn't matter.'? Would that make you believe me? Would you accept that I know Justin better than you do and that I know what this is about? It's not love."

"Laney, I don't know who you're trying to kid, but he was pretty serious when he told me about his feelings for you."

"Then he'll have to get over it," I replied, unsure of what to make of this. My head was pounding, my hands were sweating, and my stomach felt like it was trying to digest a tire iron. I pushed my chair back, reveling in the squeaky sound that pulled my attention away from the phone and Spencer's angry tone.

"Laney?"

"What?"

"I don't want to start a fight with you, but you should have told me."

"How many more times can you say that in the span of one conversation? Your scorn and disapproval is noted. I should've FUCKING TOLD YOU," I hollered into the phone. I tried to take in a few calming breaths. I said, "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm frustrated and---"

"You need to ask yourself why you're so mad," Spencer replied calmly. I was suddenly dating Dr. Freud. Everything was a message from my subconscious bullshit. I was about ready to tell Spencer where he could take our blooming relationship, murder Justin, and hide on an island where men weren't allowed.

"Because Justin's butting into my life and lying about my feelings," I shouted. So much for relaxing breathes. I fiddled with the cradle of my phone and added in a barely audible voice, "I honestly thought this would blow over."

"You're too smart to be this naïve."

"I'm not naïve."

"You need to talk to Justin."

I stood up and walked over to the window. People were especially noisy, enjoying the last stress-free time before finals began, and I wished I could get caught up in that celebratory feeling. My eyes wandered over to the television screen. I smiled and decided to sway the conversation away from fighting. I said, "Kiss Me Guido is on."

"What?"

"Kiss Me Guido is on television. I love this movie. There is this guy, Frankie, who wants to be an actor, so he needs to move into the city…but he doesn't have the money for his own apartment so he reads the classifieds and mistakes GWM for Guy With Money rather than-"

"It doesn't really sound like my type of movie," Spencer interrupted impatiently.

"Justin thought he would hate it too, but it's so funny. Actually, whenever I see it now, I think of Joey. Justin is convinced that Frankie and Pino are what would have happened to Joey and Steve if they didn't move---"

"I really don't want to hear about Justin right now, Laney. It further aggravates me that I wasn't prepared for his discussion with me."

I sighed. It was moments like these that Justin came in handy. Whenever either of us was mad at the other one, we could fall back on our love of movies to at least keep us talking and to avoid long periods of awkwardness. Justin would make some ludicrous statement about a movie and I'd counter with a much more intelligent argument. I turned the television off and hit play on my CD player. I could tell Spencer was fighting hard to maintain a calm exterior and I couldn't help but wonder if he would ever get over it. Somehow I didn't think saying "suck it up" would work with him. So I settled for listening to Spencer's breathing while I fiddled with the balance dial on my stereo.

And that quiet I always valued between Spencer and myself? It was starting to grate on my last nerve. After the fifth minute of hostile silence, I finally said, "While I always enjoy these wonderful conversations of ours, Spence, I've got to study. I'm going now."

"I'll talk to you later. I think we both need some time to cool down."

I resisted the urge to reach through my cordless and pummel Spencer. People who said things like "need some time to cool down" always thought they were so great, so wonderfully held together. Personally, I was a disciple of the punch-them-in-the-face-and-get-over-it school of thinking. But maybe that was me.

"Whatever," I mumbled, hanging up the phone. I had about had it with the guys in my life making these ridiculous accusations and presumptions about what I was feeling or doing or hiding. This wasn't some stupid movie or love song gone awry. No guy could see into my soul and understand my feelings better than I could and I was beginning to think I was beyond a basic emotional breakdown and teetering right on the brink of the completely deranged.

My roommate, Marisa, peaked her head out of the bathroom, "Laney? Are you okay?"

"Not really."

"I told you all that studying would warp your mind. Tomorrow morning there is an eight a.m. yoga class at the Rec. Center. You're coming with me."

Leave it to my roommate, the spandex-loving fitness freak, to think that exercise would solve my problems. I shook my head, "Nah. Not in the mood."

"I'm telling you, Laney. It works wonders on your mind. You know how badly Ivan fucked with my head after our break-up…yoga saved me from myself."

What did that mean? I thought it best not to ask. I offered a fake smile of gratitude and said, "An example of girl power at its finest, I'm sure. I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to pass."

My roommate was almost as bad as a date-rapist regarding the "no means no" mentality. Marisa opened her robe and patted her flat stomach. She said, "It's great for your abs. Look at this stomach! I used to do two hundred crunches a day and finally found out those forty minutes of yoga worked better. C'mon Laney. You should try it."

I patted my own stomach, hardly six-pack material, more like a keg. I glanced at Marisa and said, "Flat stomachs were so nineties. I'm telling you that in the coming century it will be all about the size eight/ten girls with baby fat."

Marisa did her Laney-is-weird-so-I-better-laugh-now giggle and waved me off with her hand, "It's settled. We'll get up at six thirty, grab some chow from the cafeteria, and go to Yoga."

Do you see what I had to put up with? I started to ponder whether all of these overly annoying people were a sign from God that I should off myself. I flopped down on my bed, ready to get to bed since I was now going to endure a morning at the gym, a place that wasn't exactly my natural habitat, and find some serenity in yoga.

Marisa danced back out into the room and made her way to her side of the room. She rummaged through her drawers and pulled out her man-attractor clothes (her words, not mine) and said, "Why don't you come with me to Christian's party?"

"I think I'm going to pass, Marisa…but thanks for the invite."

"If this is about Lauren and Kelly, your little shadows, forget them. They weren't invited. Something happened last semester and they are forever-banned from all parties thrown by the swim team."

I chuckled. Marisa and I didn't have the best relationship in the world--she was a bit flaky and I was too serious. But like Felix and Oscar, we occasionally bonded over our mutual detest for other people. Besides, her interesting tidbits of information on things usually did make me laugh. I shook my head and replied, "Nah. I wouldn't be good company."

"This Lance stuff will blow over soon. Besides, aren't you friends with Justin anyhow?"

"Whatever. I'm not really upset about the Lance thing…" I met Marisa's skeptical expression and shrugged, "I was pissed off before, but…there are bigger problems I need to deal with and I don't care about the Lance stuff so much anymore. I'm sure there are hate sites dedicated to me online and people are talking about what a bitch Lance's girlfriend really is, but oh well."

Marisa smiled sympathetically at me, "I'll leave the directions in case you change your mind. Don't lock yourself up studying, Laney. We've still got a week." Marisa closed the door and I was once again left alone with my thoughts. I was starting to think I was cursed. One day I'd write a book entitled "Me and My Thoughts" and make millions off my troubles. Until then maybe running away would work. I wondered aloud, "Do you think it's too late to register for summer school?"

I turned on my side. Summer school wouldn't solve anything except add academic stress to my life. No, I think it was time for me to consider that road trip seriously. I now had a good answer to my father's "why."

"Melanie Jane, why would you want to do something like that?"

"The men in my life have me so confused that I've decided to end it all in a grand fashion by jumping off the highest point of the Grand Canyon, dad."

I thought it would go over well.

At least then I wouldn't have to think about Justin or Spencer or my feelings ever again.

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chapter eighteen

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