Chapter Sixteen

"Day four of our New York excursion," Chris began with a terrible impersonation of Jacques Costeau. He walked around the table in the restaurant and patted my curls. He looked to the whole group of us and continued to speak into his curled fist like he had a microphone, "It's lunchtime on our last full day here. No word from a certain NYU student and we fear that Justin will never be forgiven by Laney, making our plans null and…"

I pushed my chair out and it hit Chris in the ribs. He bent over in pain and then smirked, "If it were possible, Justin is even more cranky than usual. It is the consensus that Justin should stop being a BABY and tell Laney the TRUTH."

I stood up and folded my arms. I said, "I can't exactly do that if someone who claims to be all that can't even get her to agree to dinner with me. I thought you and Joey were going to help me."

"Chris might not be able to help, but Laney is meeting me for dinner at Lucky Changs…well, meeting you," Lance interrupted with a forced grin before sipping his water.

My eyes widened, "Did you say Lucky Changs? You want me to confess my undying devotion to the girl in a restaurant where we're served by drag queens? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Lance shrugged, "She picked the place. She seems to think I'll go unnoticed there and I think she wants me to suffer a bit. She realizes what I've known all along. My role in this stupid group is to act as the arbitrator for my socially retarded friends."

The group of us stared at Lance and he went on, "Translation: She's expecting you to show up, moron. She's not dumb and realizes that this is a set-up."

I smiled and felt my chest start to pound. I resisted the urge to hug Lance and said, "So if she knows then…she can't be that mad at me, right?"

"No altering the plan, Justin. You will tell her what's going on and why you acted like a jerk," Chris spoke up.

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"She's going to freak out. Anyone would-but you need to tell her that you love her or else you're going to keep bringing around bitchy blondes that piss Laney off. It will be a vicious circle until she really does get sick of you. Do you want that?" Chris asked, still rubbing his ribs.

"Fine! I'll ruin my life and tell her I love her. You guys might want to get some popcorn to watch the scene as she runs out the door!" I said. I stormed off towards the door when I realized we had all come to the restaurant together. Sometimes I would have given anything to be a solo artist. Come and go as I please without any problems. I sheepishly walked back to the table and said, "I was showing you guys what she's going to do."

"No, she's not. Joey and I have jotted down notes."

Joey looked up as he shoved a mouthful of fries into his mouth and repeated, "We've got notes."

"Oh God," I moaned, falling into my seat and laying my head on the table.

I caught Chris glance around the table for reinforcements. As if on command, Dani rubbed my back, "Sweetie, it's okay. I think it's really brave what you're doing."

I looked at her skeptically and lifted my head slightly, "Really?"

She nodded, "Sure. And I've seen the way she stares at you-"

"With disbelief and frustration?" I cut her off.

Dani smiled, "Exactly. I look at Chris like that all the time while I silently wonder what the hell I'm doing in the middle of this craziness."

Chris grabbed the pickle off Dani's plate, kissed her on the cheek, and chewed on it. He shrugged and replied, "I told you, honey. I bought that Old Spice aftershave. No girl can resist the fragrance of old spice."

"Did you say fragrance? What are you? My grandmother?" I asked.

"C'mon Justin, you and I will catch a cab back to the hotel," Chris said swallowing the last of the pickle and putting his arm around my neck like he was my father about to explain the birds and bees to me. He waved to Lonnie and said, "We need to clean you up, boy."

"I can't believe I agreed to this. If I'm overly-dressed Laney is going to know something is up."

"Justin, all girls love a bit of romance."

"You've met Laney Jane right? The girl frowns upon anything even remotely romantic, which is part of my problem. If this was any other girl I would know what to do."

"If this was any other girl, you wouldn't care. You're over-thinking this. You know Laney better than anyone. You know what she loves and how to charm her, but you're so scared that you don't see that."

"Okay, right…but she isn't romantic. Look where she picked for dinner. There is no room for romance in a place that specializes in lap dances with drag queens and lounge songs performed by a guy dressed up like Bea Arthur."

Lonnie hailed us a cab while Todd hovered over us. We hopped in and as we drove off, I bit at my nails and exclaimed, "I'm not sure I can go through with this. My first instinct was to keep this to myself until I got over it."

"And that's worked really well," Chris remarked.

I pouted, "Whose side are you on? I thought you were my friend."

"Oh, enough with the stupid complaints and stop avoiding the fact that you want Laney. You always get what you want, Justin. You aren't used to settling for second best, so while it's really noble that you're willing to step aside for Spencer, it's a bunch of bullshit. And you're giving me a fucking migraine. I'm going to start charging you for all Advil and Pepto Bismo I go through counseling you on your love-life woes."

I scowled, "I never asked you to counsel…" I stopped when I saw the frustrated expression on Chris's face. It wouldn't do me any good to piss off my other best friend. I shrugged and replied, "…Whatever works."

"Stick with me, kid. I'll get you that girl," Chris said, trying to make his voice sound like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

"I'll do whatever you want as long as you stop with the bad impersonations. You suck."

Chris and I spent the rest of our afternoon going over what I was going to do. He was insisting that I let Laney Jane know how I felt about her and he practically had me convinced that it wasn't a huge mistake. I couldn't let this get out, but he did know how to give a good pep talk.

I hopped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist. I went out into my bedroom, using an extra towel to get the excess water out of my curls, contemplating the pros and cons of this dinner. I jumped back when I saw Joey standing there with a pleased look. I glared at him and said, "Would you stop leering at me like we're dating?"

"I'm not leering. I'm inspecting," Joey came over in front of me. He examined my face and ordered, "Breath."

I let out a huff of hot air and he grimaced, "Definitely need some extra-strength Listerine…and we'll cover up that after-taste with some cherry chapstick in case things go well." Joey went into his own garment bag and began pulling things out. He glanced back at me and continued, "While your attempts at facial hair are cute, we're going to shave that chin puce right off." He dropped shaving foam and aftershave on the bed.

"I've got my own stuff."

"No…I've seen that no-frills shit you use. We have all this money and your cheap ass won't buy the brand names."

"Joey-"

Joey cut me off. He pointed to the other bed and said, "Dani picked out the outfit. So trust that she knows what she's doing."

I eyed over the corduroy pants and black sweater, "Isn't it a bit hot for this?"

Joey shrugged, "Make due…it'll give you an excuse for the heavy sweating you'll be doing before you say the magic words."

I rolled my eyes, "Whatever."

Joey shoved his things at me and pushed me back towards the bathroom. I glared at him and said, "I think I can take it from here, thanks."

"Shout out to me when you're ready for your clothes…oh and Justin?"

I caught the bathroom door before it closed completely and peaked my head out, "Yeah?"

"I finally get to be on the asking end of this question," Joey raised his eyebrows and made his voice high and feminine, "Boxers or briefs?"

I shut the door in his face without an answer. I turned on the radio that was in the bathroom and then focused my attention on figuring out what most of Joey's products were for. I never bothered with this crap. It took too much valuable time away from my sleeping. I turned on the faucet and hummed along to the radio…

"…They say every rose has its thorn…just like every night has its dawn…just like every cowboy…sings a sad, sad song…every rose has its thorn…"

I smeared the shaving foam all over my face and tried to block out the sick feeling by singing, "…I listen to her favorite song playing on the radio…yeah, the DJ said that love's a game of easy come and easy go…but I wonder, does he know…has it ever felt like this…and I know she'd be here right now if I could've let her know somehow…"

I used quick easy strokes until most of the residue was in the sink rather than my face. I splashed cold water on my face and allowed the water to drip down my chest. I stared at myself and wondered if I could go through with this. I was miserable already-could it get worse? What if there was a chance Laney felt the same way? What if she really did love me?

But as soon as I started to convince myself that I had nothing to lose, I got a swift kick of common sense, which told me to apologize for Nicholette and to leave it at that. I shouldn't tell Laney anything. I should suck it up and keep my best friend.

I heard Chris through the door, "Justin, please turn the radio off. If we're going to get you through this night, the last thing we need is for you to start quoting Poison."

I groaned. What was I walking into? Laney Jane was going to see right through this. She would know something was going on. I had trouble thinking about her without getting this stupid dreamy smile on my face. What was I going to do when she was around? I was beginning to think our fight was a blessing in disguise.

But I would be unhappy without Laney in my life. She made me laugh. She kept my head on straight and never allowed me to have an ego (It's really hard to think a lot of yourself when your geeky best friend is constantly pointing out how illiterate and dumb you really are.). And I felt calmer having her around me. All the crap that was going on in my life-I could always handle it because Laney would show up, we'd watch a movie, and the bickering would begin.

I splashed more water on my face and traced my fingers over my chin and lips. My mind immediately sunk into fantasy world and I thought about what it would be like to kiss Laney Jane. Would it be weird? Would it be like kissing my mother?

No…it would be like…raspberries…Laney had the bottom lip of a goddess. I don't know how in the eight years of friendship I had never noticed it before, but it jutted out and I imagined it tasted like exotic fruit…

Stop it. Stop it. You can't do this. You CAN'T. It's Laney Jane. If you get all kinky and weird, you're going to lose her. Think about bathrooms. Think toilets. Think shower scum, I hollered at myself

I'm sorry, but did he compare me to a toilet and shower scum? I don't claim to be a romantic, but Jesus, some girls get Shakespeare's Sonnets read to them and I get compared to shower scum. Justin sweeps a girl right off her feet.

I knew he would plan some forced meeting sooner or later. I was hoping for later so I could bask in a few weeks of empowerment that would never last. It wasn't as if I didn't know something was going on when Lance called me out of the blue to have dinner with him. Sure, Lance and I were becoming friends, but really? It was a bit suspicious and I knew that the man controlling this whole thing was Justin. I would show up at the restaurant and Lance would conveniently be AWOL while Justin happened upon my pathetic self. It was the thing romantic comedies were made of and since that was Justin's favorite source of inspiration…I was prepared.

So why did I go? If I knew I was being set-up, why did I show up? The truth was that I had already forgiven him by the time he had called and harassed me five different times. I knew he hadn't meant to make me feel expendable because he was always the one who pestered me and kept our friendship going. As far as irrational behavior went in regards to our friendship, Justin had put up with his fair share of stuff. So who was I to turn into an unforgivable shrew?

Not to mention, I had endured long hours with my family all weekend and relatives always made friends seem much more invaluable. There was nothing like listening to my father go on about capital gains and my mother worrying about possible muggings to make me think, "Justin's company really isn't that bad."

That did not mean Justin Timberlake was off the hook. He had been a jerk, confused me to no end, and acted enraged about God knows what. He owed me an explanation and I expected it to be good. Okay, so I would've settled for "I had some bad chicken" as an excuse. Additional proof that our relationship really wasn't healthy.

I told myself the whole way to the restaurant that I was not going to be swayed by Justin's acts of contrition. I would forgive him, but we needed to talk. He needed to tell me what the hell his problem was…and we needed to establish some sort of ground rules that kept me from having to be the "Oh My God It's Laney!" that girls gushed about at concerts and ripped apart because they hated me. If we couldn't work this out at dinner, then I wasn't sure what would happen to us.

I knew I had never been so upset with Justin as I was the day after the Oscars. It didn't feel right to be carrying around hostility for the one person that could make me enjoy a movie called Eat Your Heart Out. There wasn't another person that I would consider a friend that I had so little in common with…

Yes, I realize that I read like a bad romance novel without the lust or longing, but deal with it.

I walked up the stairs from the subway and noticed him standing outside the restaurant, blowing into his twisted hands. He looked scared, not in the rabid-fans-are-looming way, but as if he didn't want to see me. I knew he was really worried about our friendship. I had played his impassioned message about ten times trying to figure out if it would explain why he was suddenly acting out his own rendition of Cybil.

Justin looked up and saw me staring. I took a deep breath, reminding myself to control my anger, and walked towards him. I looked him over, taking in the trench coat with the pants and sweater. I glanced down at my own black pants and shirt. I suddenly felt a little underdressed. I asked, "Do you have a hot date after this or something?"

"Da-date?"

"Yes, an evening that usually involves a beautiful girl and leads to you declaring your undying devotion at the end of the evening," I replied. I leaned in and caught a deep whiff of him. I arched my eyebrows, "Did someone hit you with cake batter?"

Justin pushed me back, like I had invaded his space without permission, and said, "I put your name in for a table. I used your name…don't need to draw unwanted attention tonight."

"Good idea. Are you okay, Justin?"

Justin shoved his hands in his pockets. He smiled in my direction-he was like the shifty criminal being questioned by the police who looked around the cops, but never at them. I repeated, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…I'm…" Justin looked upwards and then focused on me. I felt like I was watching a Method actor warm up for a performance. He smiled again and said, "I've missed you, Laney Jane. I've hated that you were mad at me."

"Well, you were a jerk," I replied. I told myself to be strong. Stay mad. Stay mad, Laney!

He nodded and he rubbed his hand on my arm. He said, "I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell I was doing and I…you're one of the most important people in my life, Laney-"

"Melanie Stanton? Party of Two?"

Justin nodded to the door and we followed our host, Fatima, to our table in the corner. I noticed there were flowers and a gift bag strategically placed on one of the placemats. I glanced at Justin and said, "What did you do?"

"It's an apology, Laney Jane," he said.

My eyes widened when Justin held out my chair for me. I got a weird feeling and I glanced around the place. It was still the same atmosphere I was used to with groups of young people talking vivaciously and drag queens serving them beverages and Chinese Food. I hadn't been sucked into some alternate universe where Lucky Changs required Justin to push my chair in for me.

I sat down and pretended to be enthralled with the wallpaper. Justin was acting strangely and it was making me uncomfortable. Ten to one this was a new mind game he concocted to get out of apologizing. Stay mad, Laney! Stay mad! I stared at him and asked, "Have you been sick? Not getting sleep?"

"I'm fine," he said, peering at me over his menu.

"Are you sure? You aren't going crazy are you?"

"Sometimes I wonder," he muttered before smiling at me. He motioned to the bag and said, "Open it."

"Nah…it can wait."

"Laney, what's wrong?"

"You're acting weird and it has me freaked out," I admitted.

Justin laughed. It broke some of the tension and things felt a bit more normal. He shook his head and said, "Sorry. I'm-I know I really pissed you off and I'm trying to keep from sending you back out those doors. You hold a grudge."

I folded my arms and whined, "I don't hold a grudge."

"Laney," Justin said dubiously, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't hold a grudge," I repeated.

Justin rolled his eyes, "Then am I imagining the Orange incident with Patty Rogers? Remember. She showed up at my door and told me to ditch you to go to the farm with them for her birthday?"

Justin called me a chasm of useless information, but he never forgot anything that happened in our lives. I knew I could never run for public office because Justin would surface with some obscure pictures and stories about the time a chicken chased me around a farm. I furrowed my brow and countered, "That's different. She was out to get me. She had a crush on you and she got mad that you chose to go to the movies with me rather than her party. And who goes orange picking for fun? It's a new version of child labor…"

"We were twelve and every time you see her now, you make sure to snub her."

"I snub her because she's usually sporting some tee-shirt cut to the midriff that says something like Playboy Bunny," I began. Justin had his disbelieving face on and I snapped, "It's different. I would snub her even if I didn't know her! I can't believe you remember this stuff, loser."

"See…exactly my point," Justin said.

I put down the menu and my eyes drifted to the bag. I had to admit, my curiosity was getting the best of me. I shook my head and continued, "You're not some girl I can barely stand."

"That's not what you said when we watched Forces of Nature."

I laughed and felt the last of my apprehension fade away. Things were getting back to normal. Justin was trying too hard earlier. We were both a bit worried about things and our fight…nothing else was going on. I replied, "I think you're the only person in America that enjoyed that film. Piece of shit movie. I was ashamed that a great actor like Ben Affleck would make such a stupid movie about love."

"I thought it was great. There was a good message in the story."

"If your plane crashes, don't accept rides from strangers?" I guessed.

Justin scowled, "No. Sometimes it takes another person to make you see what's right in front of your eyes. Ben's character was forced to deal with what real love was-and in the end it brought him closer to the girl he was going to marry. Sure, it didn't happen like he thought it would, but love doesn't really work the way we want it to."

I took my glass of water and flicked some drops in his face. I smirked, "You were getting carried away to your world of imagination, buddy. Fated love does NOT exist."

"I think you're wrong. I think we all have a soulmate."

"I think that's a wishy-washy outlook to help people get through bitter break-ups and divorces. If love were such an ideal thing, why is all the best art about losing it?"

"Because sometimes people are stupid and let fear get in the way of things," Justin cleared his throat and wondered aloud, "Where's our waiter?"

"Justin, what's going on with you?" I asked. I noticed he was back to looking around me rather than at me. I twirled a piece of my hair around my fingers.

"You didn't open your gift," Justin replied.

"Nice way to dodge the question."

"Laney, can we get through dinner first? Please…just act like everything is okay. I'll explain everything to you, but I'm-let's eat first so they can clear the table of sharp objects," he said, trying to joke his way out of things.

I shrugged. He was making me nervous and I decided maybe delaying the inevitable was good. What if he had finally realized what I had known for a while? What if he was ready to cut our losses and go on with our lives separately? Despite the number of times I had considered it, it still made me sad. My eyes darted to the bag and I reached for it. I opened the bag and shook my head, "Oh God! I thought I had mentioned…I'm never going to…I brought up Heathers when I was drunk, didn't I?"

Justin grinned smugly, the first sign that my egotistical friend still existed, and answered, "I can't believe you remembered that…you're a maudlin drunk, Laney Jane."

I held up a copy of the movie on DVD and replied, "I remember it because you got drunk with power…"

"What?"

"I couldn't talk and you made all these inappropriate comments about Christian Slater that I couldn't defend. You knew I was madly in love with the guy and you tormented me."

"You always pick the wrong guys to fixate on, Laney."

"Why is that?"

"You mean other than the fact that his character was a homicidal nutcase?"

"He was misunderstood. He snapped under the scrutiny of being a loner in the high school system. You don't know what that's like Justin. You would have been one of the Heathers. Everyone has always loved you."

"Wah, wah, wah…doesn't mean you go out and kill everyone."

"It's a satire, you moron!" I said.

"Again…it's always a satire, when you love the movie. I love a movie and it's bad."

"Well, usually those two characteristics go hand and hand, Justin," I replied with a fake smile. I shrugged, pushing my hair back out of my face, and added, "Don't feel bad though. Not everyone can have extraordinary taste in movies like I do."

"You made me see Desperado."

I gasped and leaned across the table, "That's mean!"

"Well, you did. And I do recall at age fifteen you were smitten with Antonio Ban-"

"Justin Timberlake, I will walk out that door if you even finish that sentence," I demanded, my face flushing.

Justin reached across the table and patted my hand, "I still love-well, I'll keep you around despite your affection for Zorro."

"Bastard."

"And what were the words you used when we-"

"You want to play this game…what about The Craft?"

Justin rubbed his nose and replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Let me refresh your memory…a certain crush on Faruza Balk and her big bug eyes."

"Nope. I don't recall that at all," Justin said. He stood up and said, "I need to run to the bathroom. Can you order me some soup and beef and broccoli?"

I nodded and called out, "I don't want to know what you're doing in the bathroom now that your mind is on Faruza."

Justin stopped dead in his tracks. He had a mortified look on his face and I heard the girl at the table whisper next to me about Justin Timberlake being in the restaurant and going to do perverted things in the bathroom. His eyes narrowed on mine and he said, "To think I missed you, Laney. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."

"Don't start a conversation, you don't want to finish," I said with an evil smile.

He waved his hand in my direction and disappeared down the stairs. I sat there and put Heathers back in the bag. I noticed a piece of paper at the bottom of the bag and I pulled it out.

Laney Jane,

There have been plenty of times that I've wanted to staple that mouth of yours shut, but this is a reminder of a time when I had to do the talking for both of us. Movies suck without you to discuss them with. Remember that.

Love ya,

J

I wasn't sure what to make of that. It was actually kind of sweet. Made me think that maybe he didn't take me for granted. But at the same time, it made me even more worried. Justin was trying too hard. We had fought before and he had never gone to such lengths to get me to talk to him. He simply wore me down with eight hundred phone calls and blackmail about past experiences from our younger years.

I wish I knew what the hell was running through his head.

No. She really didn't want to know what was running through my head.

Don't tell me what I do and do not want to know, Justin. In my mind, you were acting different.

Because I was in love with you. Hello. Have you been following the storyline here, Laney Jane? I was in love with you. That was enough to make me a bit crazy!

Yes, and this story should more aptly be entitled "Justin Timberlake: Drama Queen."

You really want to know what I was thinking?

Yes.

You really want to know? Fine. I was mentally reiterating the phrase, "Don't throw up." Satisfied?

I didn't need to know that Justin.

I told you. But do you ever listen?

Anyway, along with the chant "don't throw up", I was trying not to ogle Laney Jane with my eyes, but she looked so beautiful. She was normal Laney-no make-up, hair cascading over her shoulders and a sparkle in her big brown eyes, black pants and a black shirt with no frills-and it was even more breathtaking then her get-up for the Oscars; more natural, more Melanie Jane.

If I was at all unsure of my feelings for her, all doubt faded away when I saw her rise from the subway station like some goddess of the underground. I had to look away and I knew she was staring at me. I couldn't help but wonder what was running through her mind. I hated that feeling…I used to think I could read Laney Jane like a book and I was starting to wonder if I ever really knew anything about her. How could I have not known how amazing she really was?

I went to the bathroom to get my thoughts in order. I was a jumbled mess. I had almost used the word "love." Yeah, I had used it a million times before, but it didn't seem right anymore. When I said it to her, I wanted her to know how sincere and true it was. I wanted her to look into my eyes so we could have the happily ever after from movies.

I kept thinking about My Best Friend's Wedding. Jules didn't win her best friend's heart. Instead she made an ass of herself and the stupid guy married the perfect girl. I didn't think I could handle that. I wasn't sure what I would do if I told Laney how I felt and she ran off to find Spencer.

As if reading my mind, the bathroom door opened and Chris poked his head in. I jumped back and hissed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're here for back-up. Are you sticking with the script? I really think we should have used wireless microphones---"

"Chris!"

"Don't talk yourself out of this. You're doing fine. We were watching you guys upstairs."

"I'm a nervous wreck. She knows something is going on."

"Yes, the girl is very smart and you're sweating like a pig!" Chris observed.

I rolled my eyes, "I don't think I can do this."

Chris came over. He put his hands on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. He said, "Go up there and say it, Justin. Don't think about it rationally. If you get sucked into logic, nothing good will come of it. Tell her how you feel."

"I'm going to be sick."

"And for god's sake, don't throw up on the girl!" Chris replied. He opened the door and held it open for me to go back up first.

"Tell her?" I asked.

"Just tell her. Get it over with before you drive all of us insane," Chris said.

I took a few deep breaths and hurried up the stairs. I saw Laney staring at the table next to us with a bored look on her face. She saw me coming and she smiled. God, that smile could destroy a small country. Lethal. She didn't even know it was lethal which made it even more amazing.

I wiped my hand over my forehead and stepped over to the table. I sat back down and said, "We…you and I need to talk, Laney Jane."

"We do," she replied in agreement.

She looked at me expectantly as I sat down. I guess since I brought it up, I was supposed to start this conversation. I said, "I just…I know since Britney broke up with me, I've been acting weird, but I can explain. You might not like it, but I can explain everything."

"Why wouldn't I like it? What happened? Why have you been acting like such an ass to me and everyone else? Spencer seems to think that it's because you-"

"Can we not bring up Spencer? Please?" I asked. It came out more harshly than I wanted it to, but who wants to confess his love for a girl talking about another guy?

Laney winced against the tone in my voice and said, "He made it seem like the two of you had worked things out, J."

I picked up my fork and started to play with it. I forced myself to look Laney in the eyes and I replied, "He's okay, but I wanted to discuss-"

"I want you guys to get along because I think that Spencer might be the guy, Justin," Laney said.

Okay, I wasn't expecting to hear that. I really didn't want to hear that. What the hell was THAT? I arched my eyebrows, "Huh?"

"Remember how I told you to ask me if I really cared about Spencer when he got back? Well, ask me."

"I'd rather not."

"My sister and Steph love him. They think he's great. He is so smart and normal and-"

"What about you, Laney?"

"What about me?"

"Do you love him?"

"What?" Laney asked. She was looking at me with a scrutinizing gaze. She pushed her hair back and added, "What are you talking about?"

"Do you love him?" I repeated more forcefully.

"What kind of question-"

I leaned across the table and whispered, "You said that your sister and Steph loved him, but what about you? Are you with him because everyone else thinks he's perfect for you?"

"Is that what this is about? You still don't like Spencer? Is that why you've been acting like a jackass?"

"I couldn't care less about Spencer either way, Laney Jane. He's not important to me in any way. He's vapor," I replied. My voice was rising and my eyes darted over the restaurant crowd hoping I wasn't creating a scene. If there were anything Laney would never forgive me for, it would be to turn us into some soap opera.

"What is your problem? Things seemed like-did you have a personality switch in the bathroom?"

I sat back in my chair. I wasn't sure how to approach this, especially with Laney's sudden announcement that Spencer was the "one" for her. Part of me was yelling to let it go. Settle for friendship. Keep the friendship. But the other huge chunk of my mind was controlling my mouth and it wanted to tell her that she was fucking killing me with this proclamation. I gulped down my water and said, "Britney would call this poetic justice."

"What?"

"Britney warned me that something like this…" my voice trailed off and I started to laugh. I heard the whispers and I knew Laney Jane was staring at me blankly, but-if I didn't laugh I was likely to burst into tears. I clutched my chest as I tried to get my laughter under control, "And people think God doesn't have a sense of humor. Lord Almighty."

Laney reached across the table and slapped my hand. She asked, "What do Spencer and I have to do with you and Britney?"

Laney was tapping her foot impatiently while she waited for a response. I couldn't get my mouth to move. Years of debates and long talks with the girl and my mouth froze up when the first important thing needed to be said. The truth was I was silently questioning what the hell I was supposed to do now. Laney began interrogating me for information, "Justin, are you going to answer my question? What the hell happened with Britney? Why would she…did you cheat on her or something?"

I noticed my hands were shaking and I dropped them on my lap. I nodded, "I guess you could say that."

Laney frowned, "Justin, that is so wrong."

"It's not like that. I'm just…I wasn't in love with Britney. I never was and she knew it," I paused and downed the last of my water. I must've looked like I had rabies. I reached for her water as well and poured its contents into my cup. I swirled the water around, pretending to be fascinated by the clanking of the ice against the glass. I coughed and continued talking without even glancing in her direction, "I'm in love with someone else. When Britney said it, it threw me for a loop. I thought she was crazy. I mean Britney is perfect for me, Laney Jane. We have the same lifestyle. She gets me. But I-I wasn't in love with her."

"Justin, I saw the two of you together. You were-"

"Perfect? Yeah, perfection is fleeting and isn't real."

"But…who is this girl? Are you sure? Do you know how many times you've told me you were in love before? You fall in love like some people switch laundry detergents."

I scowled and glared at Laney. I saw the confusion in her eyes and took a deep restorative breath. I needed to be calm because I knew Laney Jane wouldn't be. I moved my hands away from the water and ran my fingers through my hair. I shrugged, "That's not real love, Laney Jane."

"You don't have to tell me that."

"I always knew that I didn't really love any of those girls. I wanted to love them. I wanted them to be my perfect mate because the real girl I was in love with…it would mess everything up. But it was impossible to love them when I've been ignoring my feelings for someone else…" My eyes wandered to Laney. I glanced around the place. My head was screaming to shut up, to choke on a fortune cookie and end this whole ordeal. Instead, I continued talking, "…Britney knew it. She told me she hoped I would outgrow it. It's hard to outgrow something when you're blind to your own feelings."

"Who is this girl? Do I know her?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me it's not Patty Orange Picker that you brought up out of the blue! Tell me she's not your soulmate, Justin. Please!"

I laughed lightly and said, "Laney, do you love Spencer?"

I think realization hit her…or else started to anyway. She reached for her own water and chewed on a piece of ice. She twirled a piece of her hair around her finger and I reached for her hand. I pulled it away from her head and met her strange look with equally confused eyes. I explained, "You were distracting me with that. You always do it when you want to avoid a conversation."

"I do not."

"Laney Jane, you do…you twirl a long strand of your hair around your pinky and I can't take my eyes off it. I forget what I'm talking about."

"Maybe that's not a bad thing."

"So you don't have to answer my question?" I asked.

"I don't know what you want from me, Justin. You've been acting so weird the past few weeks-well, weirder than usual. And now you tell me you're in love with someone other than Britney and then-"

I don't know what I was thinking, but something in me snapped. I blurted out, "I'm in love with you, Laney Jane."

Okay, not exactly the most romantic way to go about things-and definitely not the route I was planning to undertake. She didn't say anything. She choked up the ice in her mouth into her napkin and glanced around the room like she was waiting for me to yell "April Fools." The silence ate at me. In all the scenarios that played out in my head, a dead hush hadn't crossed my mind. I started to babble, "I know it's a bit weird, but it's true. I think I've always known it on some level, but you're Laney Jane and I thought it would ruin things."

"Ruin things," she muttered. She covered her face with her hands and added, "What are you doing, Justin?"

"I thought Britney was pissed off with me. I thought she was upset that I ended up staying at your place that night and she'd get over it. But she started yelling at me. She told me that she always knew I was in love with you and didn't want to wait around for me to realize it."

Laney stood up and repeated even louder, "What are you doing, Justin?"

I followed her lead and stood up too. I grabbed her arm, but she pulled it back. She pushed me and said, "I can't believe you. It's like you need melodrama in your life."

"This isn't some game, Laney. I…love…you."

Laney looked around the restaurant. Everyone was undoubtedly watching us and I heard two of the waitresses shout out "You go boy." At least someone was supportive of my newfound feelings. She glared at me and said, "What are you talking about? You aren't in love with me, Justin. I know you. This is some sort of weird jealousy issue with Spencer. I finally find a guy that is perfect for me and you decide to pull this."

Laney pushed past me and hurried out of the restaurant. I stood there and Fatima came over, "Honey, are you going to let her run off like that?"

I rolled my eyes. I knew this was going to happen. I knew Laney would flip out and I would end up spending the evening trying to explain it away as a fluke incident that wouldn't ruin our friendship. I had a feeling I was too late.

I spotted Laney walking down the street. I ran up next to her and she yelled, "Go away, Justin."

"Laney, would you please hear me out?"

"I spend my life…this takes the cake even for you," she replied. She stopped walking abruptly and I banged right into her. She glared at me, "Would you leave me alone?"

"No."

"This is some post-traumatic side effect to your break-up with Britney. Did you go through your address book and realize you'd already declared your love to everyone else so you focused on me?"

"Do you think I wanted to fall in love with you, Laney Jane?" I snapped. I realized those weren't the right words to use when she spun around on her heels and her cold eyes shot right through me. I quickly added, "I've always known I love you, but I didn't know I was in love with you. You're the most important person in my life, Laney, and the idea of losing that-I've been going crazy. I've been trying to convince myself that it would pass, that these feelings would go away. They're not going away."

"You're not in love with me, Justin. You're caught up in some movie in your head," she countered as she started to walk again.

I walked next to her and said, "That's not true. I love you, Laney. I know that I can count on you for anything. You make me feel like I'm smarter than I am and I love the way you cut right through all my bullshit and force me to deal with things. I love the way you see the world. I love the way you fight with me about everything-even this!"

She rolled her eyes. I couldn't believe she rolled her eyes. She clutched her head, like I was causing her serious aggravation, and asked, "Why now? Why do this now, Justin?"

I knew I shouldn't be angry, but my pride was being wounded. My defensive side got in my way. I had put myself out on a limb, admitting to not-so-normal feelings for her, and she acted like it was a personal attack on her. I snapped, "I was bored, Laney Jane, so I decided to have some fun."

"Don't be an ass."

"Don't be a bitch then."

"A bitch? You throw this information out there like it's not a big deal. It's a big deal, Justin. This changes everything! What made you think this was a good idea? What made you think I wanted you to do this?" she replied.

"You know what? I knew you would react like this. I KNEW IT! You could never admit that I was important to you as a friend and I knew you would freak out if I told you. But I couldn't keep quiet. You're dating the wrong guy-"

"That you set me up with!"

"I didn't know I was in love with you! I mean, I look back and I think…Laney Jane, you don't love Spencer."

"What are you doing? Of course I don't love Spencer. We've only been dating for two months and I haven't even seen him half that time! But…I…you…" Laney groaned into her hands and added, "This is so like you, Justin. I've seen it with every girl you date. You're so enchanted with the lore of true love that you talk yourself into these deep emotions for every girl you come into contact with. You play up your feelings and then three weeks later you get bored and moved on to the next one-"

"I know that my track record isn't the best. But I-"

She cut me off, "…you told me Britney was your soulmate about a hundred different times. You say things so often that you don't even know what they really mean. You're not in love with me! You've said it so many times in passing that you don't even know-"

"Don't treat me like I'm some five year old, Laney Jane!"

My eyes met Laney's as people passed us on the street. I knew we were the evening's entertainment, but I had to push this. The look on her face made me want to cry. I wanted to turn and walk away and not give her a second glance. But I couldn't. It was Laney Jane. If I walked away from her, I wasn't sure what I would do. I sighed and replied, "I wanted to pretend like it wasn't true…and it messed things up more. I went out and found Nicholette."

"You ditched me for a Nicholette because you were in love with me? How does that make sense?"

"Laney, love doesn't make sense. I've tried to tell you that a million times. You're always so damn practical and logical. Love isn't logical. You can't control it. You can't make sense of it and store it away for trivial use!" I shoved my hands in my pockets. I leaned in closer to her, so close that I got caught up in the smell of her shampoo. I played with a piece of her hair and said, "I know this is out of the blue and I knew you would be freaked out…but I had to tell you."

"Nice of you to unburden yourself on me. What am I supposed to do now?" Laney asked. She didn't move at all and we stared each other down. She looked away first and I could hear the uncertainty in her voice when she continued to talk, "This changes everything, J. Why did you have to do this?"

"Because I love you."

She pulled away from me and covered her ears, "Stop saying that!" She shook her head and said, "You're turning us into some bad romance novel.  I feel like I'm stuck in an episode of Dawson's Creek and that if I pinch myself hard enough I'll wake up from this nightmare!"

"Thanks. You're a real fucking friend. Great for the ego," I replied in an almost yell. I felt bad the minute it came out. Laney was trembling and I could tell she was thrown by my words. I knew I should let her walk away and give her time to process everything. I had a few weeks to mull it over and I was still a bit freaked out. Did I really expect her to throw her arms around me and kiss me? It was a nice fantasy, but I had known it wouldn't happen. I whispered, "I'm sorry, Laney Jane."

"You're standing here on the streets of New York City making declarations that will make you feel better. It's always about you. You know this isn't something---I don't want your life, Justin. I have trouble being the buddy…and…and you want me to be the girlfriend! Are you out of your fucking mind? And did you forget that Spencer is in the picture? Spencer and I are…he's what I always pictured for myself. He's a regular guy with a normal life-"

"Is that it? Are you saying that you're keeping Spencer around because he's normal?" I asked. It made me wonder if Chris and the others were right. Was Laney in love with me too and afraid of what it meant? I reached for her hand. I squeezed it and said, "I know I'm not the most ideal guy for you…I could make you happy, Laney."

"Stop it! Would you stop it! We're not…why did you have to ruin everything? We had a good thing, Justin. You were the guy that I counted on to make me laugh. You know--this is wrong. I know you've always wanted the stupid movie happy-ending. I get that, but it isn't me. I need practical. I like logical…Spencer is logical."

I smiled. I probably shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. I kissed her hand and stated, "You're in love with me too."

She pulled her hand back so quickly she practically smacked herself in the face. She glared at me and said, "Please stop."

"You are! You're in love with me and it scares the hell out of you," I repeated. I don't know if it was some sort of denial, but the more I stared at her, the more convinced I became. Laney Jane loved me too.

"Not as much as you're scaring me right now."

"Laney Jane, I know that you need to be in control of your emotions all the time. I know that the cynic inside has a strong grasp on you, but you love me."

She shook her head, "I do love you, Justin."

I smiled, "I knew it."

"LIKE A BROTHER! I never had to worry about anything when I was around you…any of those inane dating rituals or looking my best. You said it yourself. We're buddies and you've gone and ruined it."

This should have been the moment I turned and stalked off. In the movies, even the most pathetic loser-guys walk away when they've been compared to the brother. It was the kiss of death. But I could never let something go. I allowed my impulsive nature to take over and wrapped my arms around Laney. She struggled against me and I covered my lips with hers. It was weird at first, almost incestuous, but Laney returned the kiss. I might not have been an expert on love, but I had been kissed more than my fair share of times…and she kissed me back. She kissed me back. She allowed my lips to engulf her bottom lip and I silently wondered how the hell I had ever lived without this.

She pried free of my hold and hollered, "What the hell was that---and get that smile off your face!"

"Yep. I'm definitely in love with you Laney," I said, running my hands over my lips where the feel of her was still imprinted on my skin.

Laney rolled her eyes, "Are you satisfied? Did you get this out of your system? Can I go now?"

"Laney…I'm sorry, but you can't tell me you didn't feel anything in that kiss."

"Justin, this isn't love. This is some sort of game to you. It's a competition. You're jealous of Spencer…"

"Of course I'm jealous of Spencer, Laney. I'm in love with you and I know that you think he's Mr. Perfect. He won't make you happy."

"I always told you this overly-romantic nature would get you in trouble one day," Laney replied. She patted my arm like I had lost a little league game and went on, "You need to stay away from me."

"Laney, would you-"

"I've…I want Spencer and in two weeks you'll wish I was someone else. And you'll want to go back to buddies. That's us, Justin. We're friends."

"We're more than friends."

"No. You're trying to make us more than friends and I don't get why. I hate this stuff. I can't believe you're pulling this on me! Of all people, I never expected this kind of ridiculous display from you!"

She wasn't listening to me. Why the hell wasn't she listening to me? I said shortly, "Laney Jane, I can't be your friend. That's the truth."

"What?"

I folded my arms. I was suddenly going to be ultimatum guy. It rarely worked in the movies and I doubted it would work now, but the words slipped out anyway. "If you choose Spencer, I won't talk to you anymore."

"What?" she repeated.

"You don't love him, Laney Jane. You want to and I understand that. Hell, I wish I were in love with Britney. Everything would be fine then. I wouldn't be reducing myself to some pathetic loser who can't take no for an answer! I have millions of girls who would love to go out with me and I fall for the one girl who can't get past her own insecurities to handle the fact that I love her!"

"I am not insecure. I don't like the spotlight. I'm not some Barbie doll for you to show off on command that wants a life that revolves around yours!"

"I don't care, Laney Jane. I'm sick of it. This is it. I told you why I've been acting crazy. You wanted me to explain what was wrong. Well, I have. But I don't think it's wrong. We aren't wrong."

"If you say 'you complete me', I will break both your legs," Laney replied.

I thought maybe I was getting through to her. That was the Laney spunk, the argumentative Laney that I was used to. I took a step closer and replied, "I love you. I'm in love with you."

"That's not my fault. This isn't fair. You throw this load of sentiment at me like it's commonplace, Justin. I hate this shit. I hate what you're doing…" her voice trailed off and she looked upwards at the sky. She whispered, "I can see the North Star."

"What?"

She shrugged, "Something Spencer told me…remember him? My semi-boyfriend, the guy I introduced to my family!"

"If you're waiting for me to apologize, you're going to be waiting a long fucking time, Laney."

"Of course not. You're never wrong! You can never leave anything alone! You have to pick at it until it all falls apart. What do you want me to say, Justin? Am I supposed to tell you that Spencer doesn't matter?"

"He doesn't."

"Nice."

"You're hiding behind him, Laney. He's not right for you. He agrees with everything you say-"

"Because we have a lot in common!"

"You aren't yourself when he's around."

"I'm not going to do this with you," Laney replied. She turned and started to walk off.

I called out, oozing of a stung ego, "Don't call me when it doesn't work out."

"I won't."

"I'm serious, Laney Jane. I can't be your buddy."

Laney stopped walking. She glared in my general direction, not making eye contact, and replied, "I won't be your easy answer."

I watched her walk off. I kicked the light pole and yelped in pain when it felt like I broke my foot. My fingers instinctively ran over my lips and I could still taste Laney Jane. She was wrong. This wasn't some passing feeling. This was the real thing and she was walking away from it like it didn't matter. Like I didn't matter. And I knew she was partially right. I was overly dramatic. I let my emotions rule my thinking and everything ended up messed up. If I were like guys like Joey who charmed women and played it cool, Laney wouldn't have run off.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I wondered if it was Laney, but I knew better. Chris was standing there. He handed me my jacket, "You left it in the restaurant and she left this."

I grabbed the video and tossed it down the street. It smashed on the sidewalk about a hundred feet away. I met the angered glances of pedestrians and scowled. I put pressure on the area between my eyes that was throbbing. I said, "I shouldn't have told her."

"You had to tell her, Justin."

"I've lost my best friend."

Chris laughed, "This is just the beginning, Justin."

I groaned, "What are you talking about?"

"You've planted the seed, my man. Now we go in for the kill."

I stared at him incredulously. He had to be kidding. I shook my head and replied roughly "No way. I'm not going through this again."

"I saw you guys kiss, Justin. Tell me. Do you want Spencer to be the one getting the action?"

"Don't be crude," I snapped. I raised my hand to hail a taxi.

Chris pulled my arm down and replied, "Think about it, Justin. You're the one who believes in the fate and-"

"It's stupid, okay? Laney is right. I let fate and all this stupid fucking romance shit cloud my thinking. It makes me act dumb. I say crazy things and make these insane ultimatums. I hear myself and this tiny part of brain is yelling for me to get some control and that guys don't do this shit! I never listen and I end up making an ass of myself."

Chris sighed, "Don't let wounded male pride keep you from getting the girl. We got you this far, trust me to get you the rest of the way."

"She hates my guts."

"Hate and love are so close on the passion spectrum."

"Shut up, Chris. I've humiliated myself. She loves me like a brother."

"Well, she wasn't kissing you like a brother."

I couldn't help but smile like some perverted reject. I sighed, "I humiliated myself! I told her how I felt and she walked away. How could she walk away?" I kicked the light pole again and bent over in pain, "And why do I keep fucking hurting myself?"

"Justin, do you want Laney?"

"Don't be stupid, Chris."

"I'm not. You came to me for help. If you're ready to call it quits and wish Laney and Spencer good luck, then we'll stop. I won't give you a hard time about it. I won't tell you how stupid you are-even though you would deserve it-and I won't bring it up again-although I'd want to."

I rolled my eyes, "You're a great friend."

"You want her bad."

I shook my head. I raised my hand when I saw a cab. It pulled over and I opened the door. I looked at Chris and said, "I need to get over this, Chris. I knew it would blow up in my face and I can't do it. Maybe if I let it go, she'll forget I said anything and eventually we can get back to normal."

"I think that's unlikely."

I slammed the door shut and rolled the window down. I stared at Chris and said, "Whatever."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm going to bed. I need sleep. I need to forget Laney exists and get focused on our tour. Rehearsals start tomorrow night."

Chris smiled deviously and as my cab merged into traffic, I heard him yell, "That's perfect. Step one is making your feelings known. Step two is pretending she doesn't exist. It works every time."

I banged my head against the back of my seat. I noticed the driver looking at me through the rear-view window. I smiled weakly like "what a whacko that guy was, huh?" but the cabbie seemed unimpressed, as if he knew I was worse off than Chris. I chewed on my thumbnail and my thoughts wandered back to the kiss. It had been a tactical error. It hadn't changed a thing for Laney Jane-even though she did kiss me back-and it only made my feelings even crazier.

Laney Jane made me see this Jude Law movie Music From Another Room before. She usually didn't pick romantic comedies and it was surprising when she chose that movie. After it was over, she had turned to me and said, "The character of Danny is so you, Justin." I hadn't understood it at the time, but now it made perfect sense. Danny was this guy who let emotions rule his thinking and he put himself on the line for love. He was asked what falling in love was like and he defined it perfectly-at least for a musician like me.

Danny sat at the table, across from his perfect girl, and said, "What's it like? You know how when you're listening to music coming from another room and you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love. When a door closes or a train passes and you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway…then no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again, you're still in exact same time with it. That's what it's like."

Yeah, that's what it's like all right. No matter how hard you try to escape it, you can't.

And I was Jude Law's character…except he got the girl and I was all alone.

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chapter seventeen

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