I Love What I Do

"Hmmm…I guess I’ll start by saying I love what I do. And I say ‘love’ only because I can’t think of a stronger word. I’m a performer, as if you didn’t know. And I really do love it. When I get up on stage, it’s like the lights and the adrenaline become an extension of myself. Like an out-of-body experience.

"Do you have that? Some aspect of your life, something you do that just defies the term passion? If you do, don’t let it go. Hold on to it until your knuckles turn white and your hands start to bleed. And even when that happens, keep your grip.

"Because in the end it’s worth it.

"It’s worth all the pain and aggravation and self-deprivation, believe me, I know.

"But anyway, as I was saying, I love what I do. I love the excitement, I love the dancing, I love the fans, I love the spotlight. Most of all, I love the music. But the thing about each show in each city that sticks with me long after we’ve ended our set and are back on the tour bus is, and this is going to sound so strange, the smell.

"Sure to the people in the crowd, the workers backstage and maybe even the other guys, that smell is just re-circulated air with a tinge of sweat and cheap perfume. But to me, it’s awe-inspiring.

"When you think about the fact that on that day, the air is being circulated just to accompany you, the girls in the crowd are worked up into a sweaty frenzy because of you, and have practically bathed themselves in that God-awful peach perfume every teenage girl under the age of 15 seems to be wearing lately, on the off chance that they might meet you. You think about that, and, well, you start to smell the air in a whole new light.

"As you can see, I’ve completely over-analyzed this, but I love what I do.

"Touring is an interesting experience. It can make or break a group and I’m not just talking about what the fans and the critics think of your show. No, I’m talking about breaking you internally.

"I’d known the guys for various amounts of time when we initially formed the group, and I thought they were all decent. Decent when you get to go your separate ways at the end of the day.

"To be with them every minute of every day is a completely different story. I had no idea what was going to happen the first time, it was like I was being thrown into an episode of the Real World. I mean, there were even cameras everywhere we went.

"You would not believe the adrenaline rush of performing every night in front of hundreds of screaming girls, thousands even. You can’t understand it, and there aren’t any words to describe it, even if I tried. So you’ll just have to trust me.

"We got through that first tour, and it only made us closer. I love the other four guys like they’re my brothers. We do everything together, and after all of this time, we know each other’s idiosyncrasies. It makes it easier.

"But it also makes it harder. Because, like I said, they are my brothers. We know what buttons to push, and when we want to, we push hard.

"In all honesty, there have been times when I’ve woken up in a hotel somewhere in Arkansas or Norway or something, and I’ve turned to see Joey sprawled all over the bed in those stupid Superman boxers he always wears, or Chris’ dreads sprayed across his pillows…and yeah yeah, before you say it, he doesn’t have them anymore, but I’ve dealt with those things for years so I know what I’m talking about.

"I’d see one of the guys, or JC would knock on my door to wake me up, God do I hate when he does that, and I’d realize that I don’t want to be anywhere near any of them. Then that whole day I’d be in a bad mood. All of the guys have their days. Because do you always want to be around your brothers? I didn’t think so.

"On those days, I long more than anything to be home, in my bed, with my family.

"But then, there are times when I’m at home, and it doesn’t feel right. Did that come out wrong? My family means everything to me and I would give up music for them in a heartbeat. In less than a heartbeat.

"It’s just the strangest feeling to wake up after the sun has risen. Or not to have anything to do. Sure, I go out with all my friends. I play ball. I see a movie. But once you’ve toured Monoco, Paris and Madrid all in the same week, a trip to the theatre just doesn’t have the same oomph…you know what I’m saying?

"And, of course, I get to see my real brothers. I have millions of devoted fans in North America, Europe and various other continents, but my number one fan is and always will be my little brother, Jonathan.

"He wants to BE me. It’s adorable. And he has every TV appearance I’ve ever been on taped. He can recite them word for word. It’s so flattering.

"When…oh dear God…I decided that I would grow out my hair, suddenly my fans were against me. But Jonathan just told me, “Justin, you look hanswome.” That’s how he sounds anyway.

"When I’m home I just chill and hang with my friends and my family. Catch up on my sleep. Give my grandparents and various other family members a chance to pinch my cheeks and tell me how proud they are of me, but that they saw that pelvic thrust I did on Jay Leno or some other miscellaneous talk show.

"It also gives me some time away from my makeshift brothers.

"And by the end of a tour, I really need that time.

"Most of the time I enjoy being home because of all the free time. But then again, sometimes I hate being home because of all the free time.

"I guess some people would say I’m a contradiction. Give me a few JELLO shots and I might be inclined to agree.

"I know, you’re surprised I drink, right? It’s really not that shocking. Lance drinks too, I bet you would have never guessed that. It’s true though. But it’s not as if we’re a bunch of drunks. And I don’t think I should be thought of as any less of a moral person because every once in a while I have a Heineken. I don’t advocate the stuff.

"And it’s not like I take drugs, not that I haven’t tried it. I have. Once.

"It was after the Mickey Mouse Club had ended and I was with some of my buddies. We were just curious. It wasn’t anything hard, just pot. No, I’m not saying that marijuana isn’t bad for you, but at least I wasn’t shooting up. I didn’t like it very much, so that was it.

"You want to know something? If a reporter found out about that, even though it was only a onetime experimentation nearly five years ago, it would end up with me being the head of some drug cartel in Columbia or something.

"It’s ridiculous how things get thrown out of proportion. Take for example, the word crunk. It was just something I threw into our song “Giddy Up.” Just to take up some more time. When we stopped recording, the guys had a good laugh about it.

"I think it was Milwaukee when I was first asked about it. A fan stood up and asked me. She looked so anxious, hoping that she had asked an acceptable question. I couldn’t let her down, so I made up some answer on the spot. I think I said it meant “fun” or “cool” or something to that extent. Do you know? I think it was mentioned in, like, every magazine article on us in ’99.

"The whole thing was completely blown up. Have you ever actually heard me say that word? Maybe once or twice at an interview or two because I know that the fans love it. I crave that attention. It’s like when people are screaming for me, I become alive. When we were on SNL, one of the skits mentioned the term “applause whore,” maybe that’s me. Maybe I’m an applause whore.

"But I understand how our fans feel. When I was younger, I was 100% devoted to Tiffany. You remember Tiffany, right? She was all sweater dresses and teased hair. Like the 80’s version of Britney Spears.

"Speaking of Britney, that’s another part of my life that came back to haunt me. Me and her have been friends since the Mickey Mouse Club, as much I’m sure you know. Yeah, we had a thing going. That’s all it was, a fling. It lasted 3 months before we came to a mutual decision to end it. By that time there was no stopping the rumors, no matter how many times we denied it.

"I feel really bad for Britney because she got the worst of it. She doesn’t deserve all the difficulty everyone gives her. She’s a nice person, despite what everyone thinks.

"Oh! I love this song! Sorry...I got sidetracked for a second there. They are playing good music tonight though. Anyway, I am currently dating someone. Her name is Monica, and I met her in a club in New York. She could be a model, but she’s not. I don’t think I could date a model. But she could be one. She has the most beautiful eyes. They’re the lightest blue I’ve ever seen. I’d say they were powder blue, and I’ve never seen eyes that color before.

"We used to go out a lot, to clubs and the movies, regular date places. The secrecy used to be dangerous and mysterious. A fan would ask for an autograph and then subtley, or sometimes not so subtley, depending on her nerve, slip in a question about Monica. “Oh, she’s my cousin from Tennessee.” That’s all they need to hear, and you can see them visibly relax.

"It’s amazing what people will believe when they want to. It didn’t matter that my “cousin from Tennessee” was actually born and bred in New York, so when she talks she sounds more like Joey than me. If Justin said she was his cousin, then she was. So what if we’re slowing dancing rather sensually in the middle of the dance floor? They’re a close family, they're from Tennessee, after all. No, I’m just kidding!

"Eventually the vow of silence about our relationship stopped being interesting and starting becoming tedious. And I don’t like lying to my fans. It makes me feel fake. Now we rarely go out anywhere together. We stay in and watch movies, or we talk.

"It’s the talking that’s messing us up, I think. Because up to this point, I could ignore the fact that we really don’t have anything in common. For the most part, I put it out of my mind. She’s really very beautiful.

"But we just don’t click. Do you have someone you just click with? Chris and his girlfriend, that’s the way they are, they just clicked. They’ve been dating for years. Bet you didn’t know that.

"They go out all the time and Chris has to lie just like I do. He doesn’t like it, but he does it anyway, because he wants to spend time with her. He’s willing to go through the headache of carefully monitored touching and blatant lies straight to the faces of the people that buy all our CD’s and posters.

"That’s when I knew I didn’t love Monica. When I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my sanity for quality time with her.

"Why am I telling you all of this? I think it’s because when you walked in the room, I saw the sincerity in your eyes. You wouldn’t tell anyone else what I’m telling you. And you also weren’t naïve enough to believe everything that you read about me. And I needed someone to talk to, I guess.

"So what did you think of my story? As interesting as you assumed THE Justin Timberlake would be? Or as boring?

"So…come on. I’ve talked my mouth dry about me. What about you? Tell me about yourself."

THE END